Terez
03-28-2008, 01:16 AM
Dunno if you guys have ever seen the Darkside Zodiac (http://www.amazon.com/Darkside-Zodiac-Stella-Hyde/dp/1578633109):
http://www.paganwebsite.com/shop/books/graphics/book10.jpg
But it's a really nice book. My favorite bits are the bitch ratings. Perhaps because I'm so proud of mine. :D Here's half of them - the only ones I could find online - and I'll post the other half tomorrow or the next day:
--Aries Bitch Rating: "C+. Think about it: being bitchy demands subtlety and finesse, neither of which your Bad Fairy Godmother left in your cradle. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around, you just open your mouth and blast away. Refreshing, in a strange way."
--Taurus Bitch Rating: "C+. Others think this is because you are naturally kind and charitable, but they are wrong; it's not that you don't WANT to bitch, you're just too slow-witted to really make an impact. When you actually try, you make dull, painful remarks about other peoples' lack of fashion sense, or their money."
--Gemini Bitch Rating: "A++. Bow down to the Zodiac's Bitch Queen. Your lightning rapier zigzags with such sparkling wit and style that many bitches don't notice they've been slashed for at least three weeks; and your apologies are always so transparently heartfelt and sincere."
--Cancer Bitch Rating: "B+. For someone who likes to present as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down. You sit at home in your shell, practicing. You usually spoil the effect by muttering your pearls of acid wit under your breath as the bitchee departs, and then start groveling immediately."
--Leo Bitch Rating: "B++. Why bitch? You are the king. You know that magnanimous praise - she does so well with what little she's got - can inflict just as much collateral damage as upfront abuse; but of course when you do condescend to go in for catty remarks, they are always big catty remarks."
Virgo Bitch Rating: "A+. Not quite in Gemini's league, but you're both ruled by the solar system's master at the subtle art of bitching. Even slow bitchees can't fail to get the point and are liable to deck you, especially if they are Aries. Your trick is to slash and run, but you always come back later when things have cooled down to sneakily ram the finer points home."
Scorpio Bitch Rating: "A+. people are so frightened of you that you don't have to bother much, but what's the point of a sting in the tail if you don't use it? You study the psychology of the individual, can pinpoint all those tectonic weaknesses where reality meets ego and self-loathing runs near the surface; that's where you make your surgical strikes."
Sagittarius Bitch Rating: "D-. But it's difficult: you don't bitch within the meaning of the term, but what you lack in subtlety and finesse you make up for in crudity and bluntness, blurting out jaw-droppingly rude remarks "without thinking" (oh yeah?), so the end result is still someone sobbing in the restroom."
Capricorn Bitch Rating: "B++ You don't really have the spontaneity to bitch, since it is undignified, but you write excoriating emails and sharply worded letters to the more respected newspapers when you feel your status is being impugned. Your inner goat has no such scruples, however, especially after a few cups of black wine."
http://www.paganwebsite.com/shop/books/graphics/book10.jpg
But it's a really nice book. My favorite bits are the bitch ratings. Perhaps because I'm so proud of mine. :D Here's half of them - the only ones I could find online - and I'll post the other half tomorrow or the next day:
--Aries Bitch Rating: "C+. Think about it: being bitchy demands subtlety and finesse, neither of which your Bad Fairy Godmother left in your cradle. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around, you just open your mouth and blast away. Refreshing, in a strange way."
--Taurus Bitch Rating: "C+. Others think this is because you are naturally kind and charitable, but they are wrong; it's not that you don't WANT to bitch, you're just too slow-witted to really make an impact. When you actually try, you make dull, painful remarks about other peoples' lack of fashion sense, or their money."
--Gemini Bitch Rating: "A++. Bow down to the Zodiac's Bitch Queen. Your lightning rapier zigzags with such sparkling wit and style that many bitches don't notice they've been slashed for at least three weeks; and your apologies are always so transparently heartfelt and sincere."
--Cancer Bitch Rating: "B+. For someone who likes to present as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down. You sit at home in your shell, practicing. You usually spoil the effect by muttering your pearls of acid wit under your breath as the bitchee departs, and then start groveling immediately."
--Leo Bitch Rating: "B++. Why bitch? You are the king. You know that magnanimous praise - she does so well with what little she's got - can inflict just as much collateral damage as upfront abuse; but of course when you do condescend to go in for catty remarks, they are always big catty remarks."
Virgo Bitch Rating: "A+. Not quite in Gemini's league, but you're both ruled by the solar system's master at the subtle art of bitching. Even slow bitchees can't fail to get the point and are liable to deck you, especially if they are Aries. Your trick is to slash and run, but you always come back later when things have cooled down to sneakily ram the finer points home."
Scorpio Bitch Rating: "A+. people are so frightened of you that you don't have to bother much, but what's the point of a sting in the tail if you don't use it? You study the psychology of the individual, can pinpoint all those tectonic weaknesses where reality meets ego and self-loathing runs near the surface; that's where you make your surgical strikes."
Sagittarius Bitch Rating: "D-. But it's difficult: you don't bitch within the meaning of the term, but what you lack in subtlety and finesse you make up for in crudity and bluntness, blurting out jaw-droppingly rude remarks "without thinking" (oh yeah?), so the end result is still someone sobbing in the restroom."
Capricorn Bitch Rating: "B++ You don't really have the spontaneity to bitch, since it is undignified, but you write excoriating emails and sharply worded letters to the more respected newspapers when you feel your status is being impugned. Your inner goat has no such scruples, however, especially after a few cups of black wine."