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05-26-2008, 06:43 PM
Graendal suspended from Spelling Bee

by Spidy – Chief Investigative Report & Ferid Hel – Roving Guest Reporter

Wow. It’s been a long time coming. In fact, it’s been so long that we don’t even know how long it’s been. It’s like (far too many it’s used in this story but whatever) a wind rose from somewhere and blew over the land like in one of RJ’s prologues, (oh, that’s just the heater between my legs blowing hot air up my nether regions, ooohhhh!!) And no Mr "high and mighty" Editor, we have been working. You owe us lots of overtime Uno.

Yep, Chief Investigative Reporter – Spidy has the scoop, well with a bit of assistance from Ferid Hel, have to give the junior guys a bit of cred now and then. You see, we have been camped out on the slopes of Thakandar for over two years now, keeping a close eye on the Great DL Spelling Bee, a once in a blight-time event. Only even happens when there is a semi-permanent hole in the DO’s prison.

How have we remained undetected you may ask? Well, with all the TP that’s been thrown around up here by Moridin, it’s been quite easy to hide under the mound of real Toilet Paper that we bought from the Chachin 7-Eleven before making our way up here. We had to do it on foot of course, can’t go opening a gateway to Thakandar any day of the week you know. Had to use some of the real TP on the way up too, as you don’t want to go wiping your bot-bot on something that grows in the blight, oh no, not a good idea at all. Good thing is though that we kept the used paper and it is the perfect foil for keeping pesky trollocs and Myrrdraal away from you. Not too good with the Darkhounds though as they seem to love a bit of the poo-poo lying around but a subtle burning of Ferid’s Ice-Ice-Baby Narly-Rap Peppers seemed to do the trick.

Anyways, what happened at the Bee you are asking, and I know you are asking that because I can hear you. Even if you say, “sure Spidy, you may think that I was thinking that, but I really wasn’t, I know that you were, because when you read the title of this story you asked yourself that question and it is only a phasing issue that brings it out of so called timeliness with the timeline of question asking that actually requires time to be taken into context of when a question is a thought of as a thought of question or a spoken question. Whoa, nearly didn’t make it through that thought. Isn’t it strange that thought and through are spelt so alike, one letter different and all that?

So how did Graendal get suspended? Well it was actually more like kicked out on her touché. From our vantage point, which had amazing acoustics I must say, this is what we heard, you make your own mind up.

“The next contestant is Narg. Would Narg please step up to the microphone,’’ intoned Shaidar Haran, master of ceremonies. “Arrgghh, Arrrgh, McArrgh”, replied Narg as he stood and walked up the stairs to the stage.

“Hey,” came a voice from the side.” How come he’s eating McDonald’s? We’ve had nothing to eat for three stinking days!”

“Oi!” came the reply, you’re in the wrong novel Orc, get back to the Lord O the Rings, where you belong,” shouted Haran. Here’s where Ferid and I got into a real doozy of an argument that if it had of gone on longer may have blown out cover. “It’s ‘Lord of the Rings’, Spidy, not ‘Lord O the Rings’, said Hel. “Crap” I shot back, its ‘Lord O the Rings’. You don’t say, Will Of the Wisp, do you! Tolkien got it wrong.”

This went on and on, back and forth till we both stopped and thought what the bloody hell is a Lord of the Rings/Lord O the Rings Orc doing in Shayol Ghul anyway. Well it transpired that he was on a evil minion exchange tour and was giving advice to trollocs on how they could get more airtime in future novels so they could get theories and predictions posted about them. It seemed there was some considerable "Narg envy" up in the blight.

So, Narg goes up and Shaidar Haran says, “spell Seandar”. Narg replies, “Arrghh, Seandar, ummm, S E E N D R, SEENDR.”

“Nope” says the Hand, "your wrong, game over show pony." This is when a rustling was heard in shadows, a murmuring of voices. Up jumped Demandred, threw back the curtains and lo and behold, here was Graendal using some compulsion on one of the other contestants who was still in the competition. "Hey!” yelled Demandred, "you can’t do that, you’re cheating”

“#!%*!#$* off, slimebag” retorted Graendal, casting a very baleful eye at Demmy. “You tell them Billy!“ she said looking quickly over the Gray Man standing beside her. (He was quite difficult to see from our point of view so we are going on what we heard from the whispers in the crows that it actually was a Gray Man). Now it transpires that Billy was a Gray Man contestant from the Silent but Stealthy Chapter of the Northern Ranges Gray Men. Now this caused a problem, because if Bill wasn’t under the effect of compulsion, then we wouldn’t really know because Graendal probably would have compelled him to say that he wasn’t under compulsion, well you know how this all works.

So in the end, the judges of the Bee, the esteemed Moridin the Knowledgeable , Mesaana the Thesaurotic and Scampy the Draghkar, representing the common born evil minions of the Great Lord of the Dark, had no choice but to suspend Graendal from the competition effective immediately. And that how it went down folks.

Now, the comp ain’t yet over, oh no, not so far as that have we come, so me and Hel will be sticking around to see who ends up winning and we will ensure O intrepid Gazette readers that when the spelling is over, you will be the first to know. Now, where did I put that full version of the Karetheon Cycle, paper being quite scarce up here for writing on, have to make do with what’s at hand. This is important stuff you know. Gazette readers will not lower there standards. We must meet them. Yes.

05-27-2008, 04:22 AM
Not very exclusive; I've seen this published elsewhere too. Perhaps you should look into that, and maybe prosecute the one that violated your copyright.

05-27-2008, 09:13 AM
Shut up Gonzo. :p

05-28-2008, 05:39 AM
Much more informative than the news I'm watching out of the corner of my eye right now... :)

05-30-2008, 07:44 AM
Well we here at the Gazette do aim to please, we just have a very, very bad habit of having a long time between editions.