A wind blows through the Gazette - Part 1

[Spidy]

It had been an easy day at the SG Gazette. Too easy in fact and so much too easy that Uno began to feel a sense of uneasiness that the easiness he had experienced that day was about to come to an abrupt end. Not sure why the feeling of uneasiness had suddenly descended upon him, but with no easy answer to put his finger on, Uno reclined back into his armchair and drew deeply on his pipe. “Ahh, the easy feel of Coolangatta Cabbage” he thought to himself as the smoke imbued itself into his airways. “Life doesn’t get any easier.”

“Gggrrrg!” Uno opened an eye and inclined his head in the direction of the sudden noise.

“Arrrg, grrrrg, McUrrg!” Slowly returning himself to an upright position, Uno warily glanced to the side door of his palatial office. The door down to the secret archives of the Gazette. Somewhere no-one had been in seven years and somewhere even the masters of the Gazette feared to tread.

“Urrg, brrg, frrg, drrg, kihurrrg!” The door slammed back with a bang, denting the plaster wall where Uno’s Professorship credentials were hung, or had been hung as with the slam they all decided that a wall was no longer a fitting place for credentials and with joy and mirth they flew off the wall, with gallant delight to stream in spontaneous arcs and barrel rolls, swoops and circles to ignominiously crash land on to the floor, exactly where the MS’s plush rug didn’t cover the pine flooring. So much for credentials mused Uno as he looked despondently at the carnage that was his official record of his achievements.

Quickly sliding his eyes back to the open doorway, Uno noticed a tall creature, concealed behind archive boxes, hairy, pointed ears twitching incessantly above the boxes, sharp goat hooves clearly visible underneath. “Arrg! Arrg!” came a muffled voice.

“Holy Nora!” exclaimed Uno. “You’ve found them. There is no way in Three turnings of the Wheel you could have found them this quick. Impossible!”

“Mrrrg?” shrugged Narg as he came fully into the room and deposited the two archives on the floor before Uno and straightened with a wolfish grin.

“Narg!” bellowed Uno. “Go clean yourself up. You look like a Draghkar that has confused his crooning lessons with a H2O vac instruction class and crooned up all the dust from the seven corners of the earth onto himself. MoonShadow won’t be happy with you tracking dust all over the shop, and I am not happy with you either.” Uno had never been convinced with the so-called four corners theory of the world, especially since there were seven continents on the planet so there had to be at least seven corners.

Narg shrugged his shoulders and turned away, a look of sadness on his face, tongue hanging out to the side, once again, not appreciated for his efforts. He had been down there for over two weeks with no food, water, company or light and it was only chance that had him tripping over a petrified cucumber, stumbling all over the place until trying to right himself, Narg reached out and grabbed one of Professor Snow’s old Snow Commission Greeter Investigation Reports. Although Volume IV was one of the smaller volumes of the nine volume set it was still six feet high and with Narg falling into it, it toppled over thus revealing the hidden trap door concealed underneath. Narg had been sure Uno would have been overjoyed with him finding the boxes he had asked for within the concealed chamber. At least Narg thought Uno would reward him with a new cookpot (Uno had promised him a cookpot before sending him down in to archives), complete with a diverse set of accompanying companions to cook and dine with and on.

Watching Narg trudge off in the direction of the SG Gazette garden, then dejectedly looking back at the archives now resting on the floor, Uno whispered out aloud, “I need Spidy back. He’s not going to be happy. But it’s his fault and what else is there to do but pay the piper. Damn!” Uno reclined back in his armchair, a sense of uneasiness wafting over him as he sucked on a now tasteless pipe of the Cabbage. “It is time!”

[Uno]

Ok, quite accurate and true to life as far as the main thrust of events is concerned, but dash it, Spidy, I normally smoke English-style mixtures of Virginia and Latakia, not this cabbage stuff. It's attention to these kinds of vital details that tend to be decisive factors in determining whether investigative reporters receive that long-coveted promotion and raise in salary.

Does this kind of trivia really merit the attention of our reading public, you may ask, and the answer would be yes, it does.

[John Snow]

Snow was seated at his broad, dark mahogany desk, papers and scholarly tomes piled everywhere in a chaotic yet somehow organized fashion. He leaned his chair back a perilous angle, propping his feet on a box of documents while reading bemusedly through a report on affairs at the Board. "Affairs, indeed!" he harumphed to himself. "When I was young, these would not have been deemed even worthy of notice, let alone called 'Affairs'." He fumbled in a pocket of his tweed jacket for a pipe, drew it out, searched another pocket for his Two Rivers Shag tobacco pouch, pulled that out and began packing the pipe. With a sigh, he commenced another search for tamper and flint and steel. "If the weather weren't so blasted warm, we'd have a fire going, wouldn't we." he grumbled to himself.

A loud crash sounded from the general direction of Uno's office. "Oh, no, not again," Snow thought as he rose reluctantly from his researches and peered in the general direction of the hall. Pipe forgotten but still in hand, he walked down the hall and looked into Uno's office, where the distinctive stink of Uno's Coolangatta Cabbage pervaded the air. Snow peered around, noted the fact of Uno's academic credentials on the floor rather than on the wall, and the appearance of the archive boxes. "Ahhh, then, Narg resurfaced, did he? Sorry, I was thinking the smell was from your pipe."

[Spidy]

DT had had enough. First, training newbies was very very tiring and someone else should be given the job. Second, there hadn’t been a Gazette weather report in over three years. Third, Spidy was AWOL again and Uno was in a foul temper about something Narg had found in the archives and was ranting that it was Spidy’s fault and why wasn’t he here to help. Usually the only person who could calm Uno down (other than MS of course with her seductive charms) was Spidy, with a bottle of apple brandy of course. Crack that bottle open and Prof Snow would soon wander in to Uno’s office (most likely smelling the aroma from 50 yards away as the sweet smell wafted down the hallway, or perhaps Snow just had delicate hearing for an apple brandy bottle cap being cracked). Next thing you know there would be laughter and good humour as the three old pharts got drunk and reminisced about the good old days. Uno and Spidy always let the Professor drone on and on with his stories and Spidy always had more than one bottle of brandy available. Trouble with the Professor though was that he kept on telling the same stories over and over and Uno and Spidy egged him on. Nope, even Spidy with a bottle of brandy might not have worked today.

No, DT was stuck in his cubicle, trying to track down the last actual weather charts used before that stupid Bowl of the Winds “lack-o-chilli” noodles fiasco. Infinite Monkey and Garet Jax had a lot to answer for. Weather prognostication had become a dying art since they had left the employ of the Gazette. Staring dejectedly at the Amiga 500 Uno had recently purchased for the Gazette, DT’s mind began to wander to thoughts of home.

“Hello Theif! What are you up to there?” intoned Professor Snow, head poking over the top of the cubicle, a big grin stretching across his face as he looked down.

“Geez, Professor!” barked back DT, “You scared the living daylights out of me.”

“Oh, sorry about that Theif, didn’t mean to scare you,” replied Snow, now beginning to be visibly upset that he had scared the young Gazettee. Snow had a fond affection for DT, ever since DT had joined the Gazette. Theif was always getting himself in all sorts of trouble, especially since Uno kept sending him on weird assignments that usually had no chance in hell of being completed to Uno exacting standards. Ferid Hel had only just got out of that rut and DT was now number one on Uno’s prank list. Took a long time to get to be accepted as one of the crew by the Editor. Hmm, thought Snow, perhaps next time Spidy is in with a bottle of brandy, perhaps I should nudge Uno to see if DT could be invited in. He’s always enjoyed listening to my stories.

“Don’t worry about it Prof. My nerves are a bit shattered at the moment. Uno’s hounding me about doing a new weather column for the Gazette and I have no idea about weather at all, not to mention the mood Uno’s in anyway. I don’t know what Narg found in the archives but its stirred Uno up something fierce and he’s taking it out on me,” moaned DT.

“I’m not so sure,” continued Snow. “You know Uno goes a bit crazy when he smokes that Coolangatta Cabbage stuff. I think Watcher did something to it when he was experimenting with wine additives once and Uno has never ever told me what Watcher did to it. Good thing he only smokes it once in a blue moon. I wouldn’t touch the stuff with a barge pole.”

DT looked up at Snow bleakly. “Uhm, that not the only thing Prof. MS and Frenzy just went to town for some shopping and I heard Frenzy muttering something about cucumbers. Seems Narg mentioned to her he tripped on a petrified cucumber down in the archives and that was how he found the boxes. Frenzy snapped his head off in a flash and Narg hightailed it out to the garden like there was no tomorrow. Moonie didn’t even get a chance to berate him for tracking dust all over the place.” DT bowed his head again towards the desk.

“Cucumbers, archives, cabbage, weather, hmm, there seems to be a pattern forming here” mused Snow. “If there was a reference to chocolate, I would be sure that we are beginning to verge to a great vortex.”

“What are you rabbiting on about Professor?” asked a perplexed Theif. “What’s all this stuff about a vortex and chocolate?” But Snow had already left, his footsteps slowly receding down the hallway.

DT stared back at the Amiga. What was he going to do? Reaching down into the esky hidden underneath his desk, DT opened another can of XXXX. Perhaps Spidy being AWOL had its advantages after all. That, and the surreptitious use of a bit of fancloth.”Perhaps I should just make the weather up?’ mumbled DT aloud, “Uno would never know.” Suddenly pleased with himself for an imaginative answer to the weather problem, a grinning DT set to work with gusto. This might require a few more trips to Spidy’s stash of beer, DT thought to himself. Making weather could be thirsty work and with an infinite supply of XXXX, DT was sure he could even weather the best Uno could throw at him. DT was even more pleased with himself now, silently laughing to himself at the pun he had just made.

* * * *

Spidy’s head whipped around as he stared off into the distance. So, someone was tapping into his private stash of XXXX. Oh well, nothing he could do about it now. Probably was Ferid again. Couldn’t have been anyone else, Uno didn’t drink the stuff, Snow preferred fortified liquor and there was no way DT could break into the stash. Spidy’s beer was Dragon Theif proof.

Nope, thought Spidy, Ferid can enjoy himself. There was Gazette work to be done and Spidy was on the verge of the scoop of the Age. Patience was the key, patience.

[Spidy]

ChatRoom Ha!

Spidy peered around and peered around the other way. Which way was the round and which way was the other round? In the Land of the Mad Men that is up to you to decide O'Intrepid Gazette reader you.

"Squaaark!" crackled the short wave radio. Ever since Uno was on the update the Gazette comms equips mode, an Amiga 500 plus a crystal radio set was Mana Mana from heavan, Do Doooo Do Do Doooo. Spidy signed and resigned himself yo no more XXXX. The stash was a stash no more.

"Squaaark!" crackled that radio again.

"KraauqS!" bespoke Uno, though in radio speak it came across as Onu. (ALERT/TRELA) To ensure we can all follow the following conversation we are now all talking in normal speak.

"Spidy is on site in Australia. We have on good terma physical proof that the UK and the Oz markets alwatys seem to get the new WoT book before nayone else, especially "Trade Paperback Writers".

"So what's up with the smelly archive boxes then?" intoned DT, practising his intoness ability.

"That's the rubbish theory's coming back from the grave which Sanderson'san was hoping to destroy once and for all" intoned back Uno, with definitely superior intoning ability.

"Spidy and I knew we would have to drag up the old crap theories, and now Tamyrlin embarking on a Theoryland site refresh, there is only going to be more crap coming out, resurrected etc etc etc etc etc" continued Uno, etc out and gasping for breath from multiple etc syndrome. "Surely you knew Prof Snow only came to my office because of the grave smells. Gravely smelly theories that is," he wheezed.

"Uhm, yeah" cracked back DT, without the 'led. "New theories are abounding, old theories are being resurfaced. What does the Gazette have to do with anything?"

THE GAZETTE WAS, HAS AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. ONLY THE CHOSEN MAY TAKE PART IF THEY WILL. HEY, WHERE MY SNICKERS GONE.

Thunder and lightnng rocked the world, to tha faint sounds of -

Mana Mana Do Doooo Do Do Doooo
Mana Mana Do Do Do Doo
Mana Mana Do Doooo Do Do Doooo

etc etc etc etc etc

[MsMoonshadow]

http://wotden.com/sgg/new.html


Seductive charms and (veggie) shopping with Frenzy................. *shakes head* :rolleyes: