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tanaww
07-15-2009, 09:56 AM
It appears that frivolity and hilarity are lacking these days (don't blame me! I wasn't even here!).

I hereby declare this Worst Joke Wednesday. You may begin...
A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

Gilshalos Sedai
07-15-2009, 10:05 AM
Oh. My. Gawd. That's so bad, I could smell it down here in Houston.

tanaww
07-15-2009, 10:06 AM
Oh. My. Gawd. That's so bad, I could smell it down here in Houston.

Oh honey, I've been in Texas and this joke is not the smelliest thing there.

Crispin's Crispian
07-15-2009, 11:07 AM
Dude: How do you put a giraffe in the refridgerator?
Me: Uh...very carefully?
Dude: You open the door, put the giraffe in the refridgerator, and close the door.

Dude: How do you put a rhino in the refridgerator?
Me: Uh...you open the door, put him in, then close the door?
Dude: No. You open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the rhino, then close the door.

Dude: How do you put an elephant in the refridgerator?
Me: OK, I give up.
Dude: You can't. It's an elephant.

StrangePackage
07-15-2009, 12:13 PM
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked.

"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.

"But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used."



Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

Birgitte
07-15-2009, 02:31 PM
Oooo... I love lame jokes!

Two penguins were sitting on an iceberg. One penguin said to the other "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other penguin replied, "How do you know I'm not?"

There was a pan of muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin turned to the one next to it and said, "Whoa, it's getting hot in here." The other one looked at it in shock and yelled, "Oh My God! A talking muffin!"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

What starts with F and rhymes with duck?
Firetruck!

Nazbaque
07-15-2009, 02:40 PM
What is it that a man stands up to do and a dog lifts its leg to do?

Shake hands!

Orc
07-15-2009, 03:13 PM
One cow turns to another and says, "Are you worried about this mad cow disease?". The other cow replies, "Not at all, I'm a helicopter!"

Crispin's Crispian
07-15-2009, 03:56 PM
One cow turns to another and says, "Are you worried about this mad cow disease?". The other cow replies, "Not at all, I'm a helicopter!"
Now that's hilarious.


Here's some from my son's joke book. Picture a four-year old trying to rehearse these.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: Meet you at the corner.

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: Don't move, I've got you covered!

Q: What's the difference between Terez and an umbrella?
A: You can shut an umbrella up.


(OK, that last one isn't verbatim.)

vandevere
07-15-2009, 04:00 PM
There was this village in Medieval England, hard by a monastery.

Now, the friars in the monastery used to make cheese and wine, which the villagers appreciated. But, then the villagers switched to flowers; which the villagers didn't need so much.

Sadly, the flower-selling friars were of the hard-sell sort, and didn't take no for an answer, and the villagers got to be very tired of the Florist Friars. So, they went to Sir Hugh and told him about the problem with the florist friars.

Accepting the small bag of gold the villagers provided, Sir Hugh went up the hill where the monastery was and paid a visit to the Florist Friars. No one knows quite what wend down that day, but the next morning dawned, and all the Florist Friars were gone, their flowers with them.

This, of course, gave rise to the immortal saying...

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars...

Terez
07-15-2009, 04:03 PM
Q: What's the difference between Terez and an umbrella?
A: You can shut an umbrella up. I wonder if you realize I never click on these kinds of threads. I'm not sure why I clicked on this one. Oh yeah...it was a Tana thread with an ambiguous title...

Oooo... I love lame jokes! I hate them. :(

cottillion
07-15-2009, 05:23 PM
Dude: How do you put a giraffe in the refridgerator?
Me: Uh...very carefully?
Dude: You open the door, put the giraffe in the refridgerator, and close the door.

Dude: How do you put a rhino in the refridgerator?
Me: Uh...you open the door, put him in, then close the door?
Dude: No. You open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the rhino, then close the door.

Dude: How do you put an elephant in the refridgerator?
Me: OK, I give up.
Dude: You can't. It's an elephant.
Whats wrong with elephant jokes? I love em.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.

hippie-joe
07-15-2009, 11:41 PM
Whats wrong with elephant jokes? I love em.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.

first off only men can be color blind its has something to do with resesive traits and x and y chromisomes or what ever.

second those were good.

now my animal jokes

there prisoners were running from persuing guards
one of them said, " i know, lets climb up in the trees and when they come by we'll make animal noises"

so the guards stop b the first ones tree, they heard rustling up in the tree and yelled up, " who's there!"

the first guy said, " hoo hoo" like an owl

so they went on.

they came to the second tree and heard a rustling up in the tree and yelled up, "who's there!"

the second guy said, "tweet tweet"

so they went on

they got to the third guys tree and heard a rustling in the leaves, and yelled up, "who's there!"

and the third guy said, "moo"

lol

and the second joke

an eskimo went out hunting, he's out there freezing his nuts off, and decides to go back home. just as he gets up he catches sight of a huge polar bear. so he takes aim and

Bang!!! the bear goes down.

he thinks to himself, eatin good tonight.

he goes down to get his kill and when he gets there he can't find the bear anywhere.

he was sure that was where it went down...

just then there was a tap tap tap on his shoulder.

he turned around and was staring right at the chest of the very bear. he looked up at the bear in stark terror as the bear said, "you just tried to kill me!" in disbeliefe.
then said, "i'm gonna have to kill you now."

the eskimo begged for his life and the bear thought for a second and said, "i'll give you an option, i can kill you now, or you can turn around pull down your pants and i'll do you in the butt."

so the eskimo grudgingly decides that he doesn't want to die, turns around and lets the bear have his way.

the next day the eskimo says to himself, "i'm gonna kill that f-in bear, f-in me in the butt!"

so he grabs his blue elephant gun, "this ought to do it, blast his f-in head off"

so he goes out to the same spot and waits, just as he decides to go home he sees the bear.
he takes aim he wants to make sure he gets it this time.

BANG!!!

sure enough he watches the bear go down. he hikes down to where he saw the bear drop, and again couldn't find it. he looks around confused, just then tap tap tap on his shoulder.

he turns around and sees the bear. the bear says," you know the drill, what's it gonna be?" so the eskimo turns around and pulls down his pants and the bear has his way.

that night as the eskimo waddled home he says to himself, "i'll show that f-in bear, when i'm done with him there wont be anything left of him!"

the next day he stops by the army navy store and picks up a bazooka. then hobbles out to the same spot and waits.

it wasn't long this time when he saw the bear, he got it in his sights and BOOM!!!

where that bear had once been there was only a crater.
so he slowly makes his way to the crater and looks around, no blood no guts nothing. he didn't understand there should be some kind of mess. and just then tap tap tap

he turned around and the bear said to him, "you don't come here to hunt do you?":D

Jalyn
07-16-2009, 12:26 AM
OK. Fine. But I don't think it will work as well in print...


A proud father is standing at the bedside of his newborn son and promises him "Anything you ever want, I will make sure you have, so long as you can tell me why you want it."
On his second birthday, the father says to his son "Well, this is a big day. Is there anything you specially want for a present?"
His son thinks for a moment and says "Daddy, I want a pink-purple polka dotted ping pong paddle"
The father is a bit surprised and not sure where he can find such a thing, but he remembers his promise and says "Well, son, why do you want a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle?"
His son thinks and thinks and thinks and finally says "I don't know daddy, I just want a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle."
His father sighs and says "Well, I promise you, anything you ever want, you shall have - so long as you can tell me why." For his birthday, his son receives a teddy bear.
Several years later, the doting father is preparing to take his son to kindergarten for the first time the next day. Overwhelmed with love, he says "Son, tomorrow is the start of your education. Is there anything that you would like in order to remember the day?"
His son thinks and thinks and thinks and finally says "Daddy, I would really like a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle."
His dad is startled as, until this moment, he had forgotten this odd request, but he thinks of his promise and asks "Well, why do you want a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle?"
The son screws up his face and tries to think of a reason, but finally says "I don't know, I just want a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle."
He got a blue backpack to take to school the next day.
Years later, the father takes a letter from the university that he most hopes his son will attend up to his bedroom and watches as his son opens it and smiles in triumph. "That's amazing" he says "Anything you want, kiddo. A new car, a trip to Europe before your freshman year, anything!"
His son looks up, a bit hesitantly, and says "Well. Dad. What I'd really like is a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle"
The father sits down heavily, amazed to have this come up yet again - especially when he's just offered such lavish gifts. "But why, son? Why would you want a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle."
The son closes his eyes in frustration and says "I don't know. I want a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle, that's all I know."
He got a very nice gold pen and pencil set.
Years later, the father called his now grown son and asked him to visit. He said "Son, I have terrible news. I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness and the medical bills will probably eat up any inheritance that I could have left you. Before it gets to that point, though, I want to ask if there is anything that you want. Anything that I can buy for you, or any gift of money..."
The son looked at his father in horror at the news, but thought seriously at his request. He finally said "Dad, I'm fairly successful and doing well. The only thing I really want is a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle."
His father sat back in his chair, horrified that his son would bring that up again at this time. Finally, he barked "WHY. Why do you want a pink purple polka dotted ping pong paddle? I tell you that I'm dying and that is what you ask for?"
His son sat and thought and finally said "I'm sorry dad, I should have never brought it up."
He left his father's house. As he drove home, though, he became emotional over the idea of losing his beloved father and became inattentive to the road while driving just a little too fast. As he went over a bridge, another car came from the opposite direction, just a little in his lane. As he veered to avoid it, he hit an icy patch and went over the side.
He survived the crash, but was badly injured. His father, of course, rushed to the hospital to be by his side. With his son unconscious in the hospital bed, the father sat by his side, remembering that first day he had seen him in the hospital. Almost without realizing he said it, he repeated his promise "Anything you ever want, I will make sure you have, so long as you can tell me why you want it."
His son, regaining consciousness as he spoke painfully mumbled "pink purple polka dot ping pong paddle."
The father, overjoyed to have his son back for even a brief time said "But. Why? Why a pink purple polka dot ping pong paddle? Can you tell me now son?"
His son, smiling through the pain, said "Yes. I finally know. I want a pink purple polka dot ping pong paddle because" he paused, as his breath was labored and it was hard to speak.
His father waited for the rest of the sentence, knowing that he would finally understand his son's obsessions with pink purple polka dot ping pong paddles.
His son gathered his breath to speak again. "I want a pink purple polka dot ping pong paddle because... because" His father, leaning close to hear every quiet word his son said, was jolted by the piercing tone of the equipment that indicated his son's heart had just stopped.

GonzoTheGreat
07-16-2009, 03:27 AM
first off only men can be color blind its has something to do with resesive traits and x and y chromisomes or what ever.You are wrong and right. Wrong, in that it is possible for women to be color blind, it is just a lot rarer. Right, in that it has something to do with X and Y chromosomes, specifically: the X chromosomes on which color vision is encoded. Women have two of those, men have only one. So if a man has one defective (in this specific sense) chromosome, then he's color blind. But a woman would only be color blind if both her X chromosomes have that fault, and the chance of that is small. It isn't zero, of course, hence the "you are wrong" with which I started.

This was your totally unnecessary lesson in simplified high school level genetics for the day, inserted under the "and now for something completely different" heading.

Nazbaque
07-16-2009, 05:39 AM
Yes and the result of this is that only daughters of colour blind men can be colour blind and all sons of colour blind women will be colour blind.

Gilshalos Sedai
07-16-2009, 09:18 AM
And sons of colorblind can't be colorblind if their mother isn't a carrier, while daughters are merely carriers and don't express the gene.

hippie-joe
07-16-2009, 05:45 PM
This was your totally unnecessary lesson in simplified high school level genetics for the day, inserted under the "and now for something completely different" heading.
actually i learned that in 8th grade physical science, but then that was 10 years ago so you'll forgive me for not remembering that part.

Crispin's Crispian
07-16-2009, 05:53 PM
OK. Fine. But I don't think it will work as well in print...

Holy crap. That might be the worst joke in the history of jokes.

the silent speaker
07-16-2009, 11:09 PM
Why doesn't the Catholic Church use heroin for Eucharist?

Because religion is the opiate of the Masses.

cottillion
07-17-2009, 04:20 AM
A woman takes her ailing, elderly dog into the vet. While in the waiting room, the dog ceases to breathe. The vet ushers the distraught woman and her pet into an examination room and pokes and prods the dog for a few moments. Then the vet's assistant brings in a cat, which he passes over the dog a few times, with no discernible reaction. The vet informs the woman that her pet has, indeed, passed. He hands her the bill, for an astonishing $100.

"What's the fee for, doctor?" she akes.

"Well, my examination was $40, and the CAT scan was $60," he replies.

Spidy
07-17-2009, 04:29 AM
Why did the plane crash?

Its pilot was a tomato.

Oatman
07-17-2009, 09:21 AM
What do you call a deaf dog?
Anything you want, it won't come.

How do you make a swiss roll?
Push him down a hill.

How do you make a one armed Irishman fall out of a tree?
Wave.

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks, 'are you a piece of string?' to which the piece of string replies 'yes'. 'Sorry,' said the bartender 'we don't serve pieces of string here. You'll have to leave' So the piece of string goes outside, loops around himself and then back through the hole, and messes up the top of himself a little, re-enters the bar and orders a drink from the same bartender. Bartender looks at him and say's 'aren't you that piece of string I just told to leave?' The string replies 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'

Belazamon
07-17-2009, 10:27 PM
Okay, my favorite clean joke of all time.

The Pope and the Queen of England are having lunch together on a balcony overlooking Trafalgar Square. Well, for one reason or another, the pair starts to get into a bit of a one-upmanship contest. The Queen says to the Pope, "I'll bet you that with one wave of my hand, I can have every Englishman in this square cheering wildly for five minutes."

The Pope says, "Sure, go for it." So the Queen stands up and does her little patented Queen-of-England wave over the railing. Sure enough, the crowd beneath erupts in applause and wild cheering, which continues unabated for a solid seven or eight minutes. Once it finally dies down, the Queen sits back down with a smug little smile on her face.

"That's very nice," retorts the Pope. "But I'll do you one better. I'll bet you that with a single wave of my hand, I can have every Irishman on the planet cheering for the next year."

"I'd like to see that," the Queen smirks.

So the Pope slaps her.