Lamentations of the Father

[Brita]

Author and New Yorker contributor Ian Frazier has cemented his status as a funny man by winning the Thurber Prize for American Humour for the second time.

His book about modern parenting, Lamentations of the Father, was chosen winner of the $5,000 prize on Monday.

In Lamentations of the Father, Frazier parodies the language of Torah and the Bible to deliver admonitions to his offspring.

His book contains tidbits such as the Laws Pertaining to Dessert:

"For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert."

Hahahahaha!

[Ivhon]

Hmmph. Blatant ripoff.

[Gilshalos Sedai]

Infidels! Someone stoleth the Book of Ivhon!

[Zanguini]

funny though

[Brita]

Anyone, anyone with kids, knowing kids or remembering being a kid has to find this funny.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.

Our household goes through this drama every single night...

And Ivhon- don't fret, there is enough Bible/Torah parody to go around. There really is.

[Zaela Sedai]

I must purchase this book

[Dragon Thief]

And Ivhon- don't fret, there is enough Bible/Torah parody to go around. There really is.

That's just it. They aren't parodying the Bible/Torah. They're parodying the Mostest Holy Book of Ivhon.



(3) And Lo! (4) Even as he wanderedthed alone in the desert wherce never didst it rain - (5) although in all fairithity, it didst occasionally become overcast. At night. Whence little good it did. (6) Even to the desert didst Ivhon wandereth solely alone. (7) For he was wroth. ( 8 ) For he couldst not findeth peace and quiet, nay not even on one day of the year. For he wath tormentethed by Ducks. And Mules. (9) And Mutts. And he werth plaguethed by Reds and Hotties and strangers in the Land of Theory. And verily wath he annoyethed by Lizards and Houstonites and all number of other vermin. (10) Theretofore on the Day of the Birth of Ivhon didst he wandereth off to findeth the Peace of the Creatress (Blessed be her Form). And on that day, She was kind. (11) For Ivhon was dehydrated. And thus passethed out. And slept the sleep of the Undeserving. But was leftethed alone.

Therefore do we asketh thy Blessing, O Creatress, that on this the Day of our Birth You hold thy Blessed Hand over us in Shelter. For we are olde. And cranky. And our hair is turning grey. And falling out. And our breasts do saggeth. And we wetteth ourselves. Nor can we getteth it up. And our phartes dost smelleth most foul. And we simply wisheth to be leftest alone to watcheth Matlock.

Thus ends the Reading.

And now as our Mascot Ivhon has taught us, we are bolde to say:

Our Creatress, who art in the Midwest
Blessed be thy Form.
Give us this Day our Daily Brew
And passeth the Dutchie from thy lefthand side
As we shall passeth to the left of us.
For thine is the Kind Bud, the Hops and the Barley
And we want it right now.

Amen.

[Brita]

That's just it. They aren't parodying the Bible/Torah. They're parodying the Mostest Holy Book of Ivhon.

Yes, right, of course. My apologies.

[Ivhon]

Ooh...thanks, Dieter! I think that one was missing from the archive.
/copied
/pasted
/saved to data drive

[yks 6nnetu hing]

Anyone, anyone with kids, knowing kids or remembering being a kid has to find this funny.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.



Our household goes through this drama every single night...



to quote Friends (once again): in our household, if you didn't eat fast, you DIDN'T EAT.

Anyone with brothers will understand...

[Leanne]

to quote Friends (once again): in our household, if you didn't eat fast, you DIDN'T EAT.

Anyone with brothers will understand...

So very true! Especially brothers over 6 ft that thought they would die if they didn't eat everything in sight. No wonder my sister and I are so short. ;)

[Zanguini]

The most holey book of Ivhon seems interesting did Ivhon give up his only begotten beer?

[GonzoTheGreat]

So very true! Especially brothers over 6 ft that thought they would die if they didn't eat everything in sight. No wonder my sister and I are so short. ;)I don't know about your brothers, but the brothers of my sisters wouldn't eat their sisters' brussels sprouts. May explain why my sisters aren't really all that short, come to think of it.

[Sei'taer]

So very true! Especially brothers over 6 ft that thought they would die if they didn't eat everything in sight. No wonder my sister and I are so short. ;)

I can't even begin to tell you how many "all you can eat" places I was kicked out of between the ages 16 to 20. I've been kicked out of quite a few since then, but it was more because of the drink than the food. I guess the all you can eat buffet at the transvestite dance club in New Orleans was the most embarrassing.


PS "You have duct tape hanging out of your twat" is not a good line to use in a place like that.

[Zanguini]

In my family if you are nice at dinner time you get nothing. You have to shove and push and poke people with forks to get into line. I am sorry to fairy for having to expose her to this.

[Gilshalos Sedai]

to quote Friends (once again): in our household, if you didn't eat fast, you DIDN'T EAT.

Anyone with brothers will understand...

I beg to differ. I've got a 6' sister. Yes, she ate all the food. My other sister and I are much shorter.

[Ishara]

Braita, thanks for the laugh. I really needed it this morning.

Also? My co-workers think I'm possessed.

That was DAMN funny!

[Leanne]

My co-workers know I have problems. I love when posts make me laugh at work. They all know I am having more fun then they are. haha :D

[Matoyak]

My house always severely lacked food...and not just because I ate it all or anything...my parents never actually BOUGHT food...they would send me to walmart. Once every 2 weeks, if my sis and I were lucky. Whenever someone would come over they would eat beforehand, saying that they knew there would be no food.

My parents could survive off of a small plate of nachos for a day. Literally, not even joking... My mom will eat fritos and avacados and be done for the day. And then complain about coffee jitters. Silly woman...

[Dragon Thief]

Ooh...thanks, Dieter! I think that one was missing from the archive.

Took me quite a few to figure out Dieter. I'm slow like that.

Some.

Times.

Anways, I just Googled "Book of Ivhon" and posted the second first promising result.

[Ivhon]

Took me quite a few to figure out Dieter. I'm slow like that.

Some.

Times.

Anways, I just Googled "Book of Ivhon" and posted the second first promising result.

WoW. Google. Makes me feel like I've arrived, in a Navin R. Johnson kinda way....

[Gilshalos Sedai]

Now, good thing people can't google your real name to get that. Might look funny for job interviews.

[Ivhon]

Now, good thing people can't google your real name to get that. Might look funny on for job interviews.

With any luck, job interviews are already a thing of my past.