PDA

View Full Version : Rants from Mommyland


Hopper
05-03-2010, 10:07 AM
Someone linked this on Facebook and I thought it was worth putting here.

Rants from Mommyland (http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/2010/05/mommy-will-lose-it-advisory-system.html)

Any mommies want to comment?

yks 6nnetu hing
05-03-2010, 10:23 AM
a bit bitter maybe but... yeah, I was the one who always got to clean up after one of mommy's throwing things episodes. Let me tell you, butter does not come out of curtains very easily. Especially if you're only 6 years old and can't reach the detergent on the kitchen counter. The ripping the head off stuffed bunny episode was also quite interesting.

Although, to be fair to mommy, she never did any of those things becasue of the kids, it was always daddy. She never once got that horribly upset when one of us would break a vase or stayed out past curfew or... well, what have you.

so mommies: control your rage. please.

Sinistrum
05-03-2010, 12:02 PM
Meh, it was always my dad who went ballistic when I was a kid and did something stupid.

Brita
05-03-2010, 12:28 PM
Ummmm....ya. Guilty.

Any mother who says she has not lost her cool is lying. The degree of rage and the choice of outlet may differ, but every single parent has had moments in which our Mommy or Daddy license would be revoked. Every single parent has thought, at one moment or another "Oh God, I hope the windows weren't open".

We are human, and parenting can be taxing, to say the least. I have said sorry to my kids more than once for my inappropriate outbursts.

Losing my temper is like eating a doughnut. It always feels good at the time, but leaves a terrible feeling in my stomach afterwards.

Hopper
05-03-2010, 01:12 PM
. . . I have said sorry to my kids more than once for my inappropriate outbursts.



One of the most important skill sets to have.

fdsaf3
05-03-2010, 04:22 PM
Something on the website you linked to made me kind of depressed, actually. Over this past weekend, my girlfriend and I were talking about how sometimes as a result of what I say she feels like she's not being a very good girlfriend. Comments which make her feel like this range from "you forgot my birthday" to asking her to pass the ketchup twice since she was off putting laundry in the dryer the first time I asked. Point being, sometimes she can be a bit...well, I'll just say it: insecure. There was a line on the blog about how women have enough to feel insecure about besides failing in their parenting duties, and that made me feel really bad. I know parenting is a hard thing, and I personally am in no position to raise kids at this moment in time. Reading those comments, even though I know they were for humorous purposes, made me think that there must be a way to get parents, especially mothers, to ease up on themselves a bit. Kids don't need perfect parents, they just need ones who are attentive and willing not to make the same mistakes more than once. If you (over)simplify it like that, parenting is a lot less daunting.

Crispin's Crispian
05-03-2010, 04:52 PM
Comments which make her feel like this range from "you forgot my birthday" to asking her to pass the ketchup twice since she was off putting laundry in the dryer the first time I asked.

Do you typically eat dinner in the laundry room? ;)


Seriously though, I've never had a shorter temper, or a stronger guilt complex, than I've had since I've been a father.

We are human, and parenting can be taxing, to say the least. I have said sorry to my kids more than once for my inappropriate outbursts.

Losing my temper is like eating a doughnut. It always feels good at the time, but leaves a terrible feeling in my stomach afterwards. Just so.

Ivhon
05-03-2010, 05:50 PM
Something on the website you linked to made me kind of depressed, actually. Over this past weekend, my girlfriend and I were talking about how sometimes as a result of what I say she feels like she's not being a very good girlfriend. Comments which make her feel like this range from "you forgot my birthday" to asking her to pass the ketchup twice since she was off putting laundry in the dryer the first time I asked. Point being, sometimes she can be a bit...well, I'll just say it: insecure. There was a line on the blog about how women have enough to feel insecure about besides failing in their parenting duties, and that made me feel really bad. I know parenting is a hard thing, and I personally am in no position to raise kids at this moment in time. Reading those comments, even though I know they were for humorous purposes, made me think that there must be a way to get parents, especially mothers, to ease up on themselves a bit. Kids don't need perfect parents, they just need ones who are attentive and willing not to make the same mistakes more than once. If you (over)simplify it like that, parenting is a lot less daunting.

I find myself making this recommendation a lot, lately. The missus and I both benefited greatly from Be Happy Without Being Perfect. This is a self-help book (usually I take a dim view of them) designed to help women overcome perfectionistic thinking - still, I got a lot out of it as a man.

The first couple of chapters have some really interesting historical stuff about what challenges the "typical woman (I know there is no such thing)" faces in terms of perfectionism. Among them:

1. Competitive parenting
2. Feeling that she has to be a better parent than her stay-at home mother or friends WHILE
3. Making as much money as her workaholic/absent father/husband WHILE
4. Keeping house/cooking like Martha Stewart (and her enormous production crew).

We have been marketed to expect that we can be perfect parents, perfect partners and perfect career-people all at the same time. And it is a myth. There aren't enough hours in the day.

Although not being much for the psychoanalytic theories in psychology, Winnicott's "good-enough mother (essentially, the imperfect mother is better than the "perfect" mother because "perfect mother" stifles the child's ability to emerge as a distinct person)" has always struck me as being spot-on.

EDIT: All that to say...the parent/child relationship is no different from any other in that both parties are inevitably going to selfishly mistreat the other from time to time (you may take your frustrations out on your kids from time to time...but guess what? They'll be teenage ingrates soon enough - even the best of them). Don't try to be perfect - you can't be. Look for the lessons in your mistakes and forgive when it comes your turn. There are plenty of reasons to put off having kids, but not being a "perfect parent" is not one of them. You will drop your kids...but guess what? Babies bounce!

bowlwoman
05-03-2010, 06:09 PM
So, I'm guessing the author of this blog was sitting outside my house last week when I lost my schmidt over the smears of schmidt all over the carpet, couch, and two children...I just want to say that potty training is continuing to suck major donkey balls.

So, yeah, reading this article makes me a little more sad about how I acted, as if I wasn't still horribly guilty already. And as Brita said, I apologized to my kids. My 3 year-old was very nice and forgave me for yelling at her about smearing her poop everywhere. She was actually trying to clean herself up (she got up from her nap), and wound up making a bigger mess than normal. Once I figured out that she didn't make the mess intentionally and was actually trying to clean it up, I felt even more horribly guilty.

Things are better this week, and lesson learned from the incident. She's not trying to make a mess on purpose, and I'm not having a huge meltdown when I have to break out the SpotBot carpet cleaner 2-3 days out of the week. I just wish she'd finish potty training already!

Zaela Sedai
05-03-2010, 08:36 PM
I find that blog hilarious. But i'd like to add my husband to it... the Mommy/WifeyWarning System...

I'm at a steady Yellow right now...Abby gets a blue sometimes LOL.

yks 6nnetu hing
05-04-2010, 02:40 AM
What set mommy off most was when daddy left the house or locked himself away leaving her alone with 2 toddlers and an infant. It got much better after daddy got a job in a different town and only came home for the weekends. Less disappointed expectations, I suppose.

point being: we almost always knew that when mommy was REALLY upset, it wasn't at us. When she was upset at one of us, she'd let it be known, but we always knew that we never really really really ticked her off. The worst though was when we made her sad, now that- as a child - was much harder to bear than mad mummy.

The time my brother almost set fire to grandpa's barn when he and a cousin of mine were discovering cigarettes (my brother was... maybe 4 or 5 at the time, the cousin was much older - 8 or so) was quite impressive though. Mommy was rather upset, but I think grandma was even more upset. And grandpa was the most upset.

Ishara
05-04-2010, 08:55 AM
It seems to me that MommyGuilt (tm) is inescapable. Regardless of how you parent, whether you're a SAHM or not, whether you're still married or not, whether you're in a good school district or not. I read a LOT of blogs, most of them of the mommy-persuasion, and while their circumstances vary hugely, they all have MommyGuilt in common.

Something to look forward to - awesome. :rolleyes:

Sinistrum
05-04-2010, 12:59 PM
I don't see why people feel guilty over yelling at their kids. Sometimes its the only way to get their attention and get the message across about the proper way to behave.

Yellowbeard
05-04-2010, 01:44 PM
I don't see why people feel guilty over yelling at their kids.

making the assumption that you don't have kids. you'll understand once you have them.

for me, i guess it's because first impressions last a lifetime. my first impression of my son is that of he being that tiny little guy the yanked out my ex-wife's gut. totally cute, precious, and helpless. just staring at me w/ wonderment in his eyes and grabbing onto my finger. not really crying, but making the occasionally grunt. then he was put under the french fry light, the nurses did their apgar scoring and cleaned all the womb-goo off him, and wrapped him in swaddling.

then i carried him from the delivery room to the maternity ward nursery. in my mind, i'll always partially think of him as that little guy i carried out of that delivery room, with those big eyes looking up at me. it's hard to not feel guilty about getting mad at him now with that memory in the background.

Ishara
05-04-2010, 02:30 PM
I can't speak to that as I am also childless, but the mommy guilt I've seen isn't exclusively limited to yelling. It's feeding the kids, it competing work with the floors with the husband with the kids. It's living in the right school district, it's saying no, even when they should.

It seems to me sometimes that any decision to made could result in the mommy guilt.

Brita
05-04-2010, 03:14 PM
I don't see why people feel guilty over yelling at their kids. Sometimes its the only way to get their attention and get the message across about the proper way to behave.

There have definitely been times that I have not apologized for losing my temper- it was warranted. But trust me, there are also more than enough times that my hissy fit was completely unwarranted, and required an apology.

There have also been times when my kids have asked for an apology from me, and that only landed them another tirade of why I was completely justified :)

I don't have very much mommy guilt. Humans are humans. We mess up, and the sooner my kids learn that we all mess up, and the sooner they learn that it is OK to say sorry, the better. And these are the valuable lessons (I hope) they learn when Mommy (or Daddy) loses their cool and then has the honesty to apologize if needed.

Kids don't need perfect parents, they just need ones who are attentive and willing not to make the same mistakes more than once. If you (over)simplify it like that, parenting is a lot less daunting.

Very sage advice.