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Firseal
08-18-2010, 08:25 PM
Okay, first off. I find this funny. Go read it.

"Big Dead Place: Welcome to the Program (http://www.bigdeadplace.com/welcome.html)."

Read that. Be amused by it. Now, try to write an introductory section for TL based like the introductory sections from the BDP Welcome. One snippet per, please, least until this actually starts paying dividends.

Time to be creative and funny, folks.

Sei'taer
08-19-2010, 09:50 AM
Welcome to The Program:
A Guidebook for Theoryland Noobs

This guide is intended to help you along in your stay at Theoryland. Remember, this is our house and you have to play by our rules until you establish yourself into our system. We question everything, including your knowledge of all things non-WoT. If you cannot grasp simple concepts like who killed Asmodean, Taim is Demandred, Rand has 1 Ĺ to 2 souls, Gay marriage, global warming and a general hatred of the Obama administration, then you might as well move along. We have discussed all these issues and all of us are in complete agreement on them. Attempts to change us will be dealt with harshly.

History

57 years ago a guy had an idea to start a revolution in porn. He came up with a free website that would allow people to post pictures they found on the net, allow people to post pictures of their wives or significant others having sex with them or with their swinger friends. Eventually, this site failed because of lack of computing power at the time. Many years later, another man came along and bought the rights to the Theoryland name and turned it into a message board for discussion of things he liked. For some odd reason, a group of people who didn’t care for the porn on the original site stuck around and began to discuss books written by Robert Jordan. There were many wars, a lot of hamsters, Some Goat problems and flaming deaths on a daily basis. Eventually, the Tlers (as they came to call themselves) established a rapport with others in the fantasy community as being hardcore fan freaks. Nobody messes with those that wear the HCFF shirts at the various cons. We have been known to gouge out eyes and stomp non-believers with steel-toed boots and abuse them with cucumbers.

Medical

We have several doctors on site. Unfortunately none of them are truly medical doctors, so unless you can impress one of the nurses, you’re SOL, Bub. Others will do their very best to help you, but mostly everyone here will roll around in a state of extreme hilarity if you do hurt yourself. Pain in others, that we get to laugh at, is something that money simply can’t buy. Also, we’re not paying for it…screw you.


Human Resources

HR is basically non-existent at TL. If you need help you might ask the mistress of novices, but she is pretty liberal with her chains and belts, and as you can see above, we will laugh at you.

Public Meetings

At TL pretty much everything we do is public. If your skittish in front of crowds, then lurk. The only person who does any show running is Tam, and he’s the ultimate badass. Nae’blis thinks he/she/it is a badass, but really he/she/it is a lovable little fuzzball who will tell you to go fuck yourself and balefire your posts if you cause too much trouble or try to spam our site.

Complaining

If you don’t know how to complain, then you don’t belong here. Look up the Malazan troops from Steven Eriksons Malazan book of the fallen and you’ll see people who complain on a level slightly below ours. We are also cutting in our complaints, so be prepared to seek the help of the (non-existent) medical team.

The Grapevine

There are tons of email groups, chat groups, text groups and other resources for talking to TLers outside of the website. No, you can’t be part of them. Tenure is king.

Boondoggles

You will be flamed on the Non-Wot board at some point in your life at TL. Take it like a man. If you wimp out, we will crucify you. You might be flamed on the theory boards, although not as harshly as on the Non-WoT board…unless your dumb enough to believe that Taim is Demandred.

If You Almost Die or Something

We will laugh.

The Power Structure and You

Experience is earned. You are a Noob. You will be a youngling until Tam decides to raise you. That is somewhere between six months of service and 27 years, depending on when he gets around to it. The power structure goes, youngling, Elder, Ancient, Hero of the Horn, Lord of the Board. You’ll never be Lord of the Board. You’ll never be a Hero of The Horn. Don’t even ask. If you do, we will send you to the mistress of novices and she will beat you, and we will laugh. Grilled Cheese will get you nowhere. We know all about those kind of advances and they simply won't work...unless your grilled cheese are new and good and something added to make them different and more fun, then we will all have to try some of it. Hell, we'll give you a go on it, but beware...some of us are insatiable.

Science

We don’t believe in it. Emotion is the only thing we know. Ask Gonzo or Terez to teach you to live a society that doesn’t believe in science or religion. Marie Curie has a decent grasp of some aspects of science, but she’s generally to busy to explain any of it to you.

The Noobie Psyche Evaluation

Beware of Ivhon. He just learned how to pick the dirty pieces out of your mind and use them against you. He does all our evaluations and then passes them on to Sinistrum for further evaluation and general disagreements.

Frequent Flier Miles

Use the bus. It’s cheaper, less efficient and infinitely more dangerous. Flying is for anyone above elder only. TL airlines has really bad wine anyway. Watcher made it a long time ago and it hasn’t gotten any better with age. Don't drink the Mountain Dew unles you bring enough for everybody. Touch the beer and you will be sent to the mistress of novices...and we will laugh.

If you need more info, send a note to Firseal. Here is his personal addy. (http://www.theoryland.com/vbulletin/member.php?u=111)

yks 6nnetu hing
08-19-2010, 10:18 AM
History

57 years ago a guy had an idea to start a revolution in porn. He came up with a free website that would allow people to post pictures they found on the net, allow people to post pictures of their wives or significant others having sex with them or with their swinger friends. Eventually, this site failed because of lack of computing power at the time. Many years later, another man came along and bought the rights to the Theoryland name and turned it into a message board for discussion of things he liked. For some odd reason, a group of people who didnít care for the porn on the original site stuck around and began to discuss books written by Robert Jordan. There were many wars, a lot of hamsters, Some Goat problems and flaming deaths on a daily basis. Eventually, the Tlers (as they came to call themselves) established a rapport with others in the fantasy community as being hardcore fan freaks. Nobody messes with those that wear the HCFF shirts at the various cons. We have been known to gouge out eyes and stomp non-believers with steel-toed boots and abuse them with cucumbers. But don't mention the cucumbers or Frenzy will get mad. And mad Frenzy is creative.

and you didn't mention grilled cheese. We're obsessed.

The Power Structure and You

Experience is earned. You are a Noob. You will be a youngling until Tam decides to raise you. That is somewhere between six months of service and 27 years, depending on when he gets around to it. The power structure goes, youngling, Elder, Ancient, Hero of the Horn, Lord of the Board Youíll never be Lord of the Board. Youíll never be a Hero of The Horn. Donít even ask. If you do, we will send you to the mistress of novices and she will beat you, and we will laugh.
[B] Unless you are top-heavy, like the Heroes.

If you need more info, send a note to Firseal. Here is his personal addy. (http://www.theoryland.com/vbulletin/member.php?u=111)

ROFL, that's just evil :D

Sei'taer
08-19-2010, 04:38 PM
and you didn't mention grilled cheese. We're obsessed.


I'm going to fix it for you. Read through again and let me know if that's better.

DahLliA
08-20-2010, 04:26 AM
brilliant ! :D

Gilshalos Sedai
08-20-2010, 08:38 AM
'Taer wins. I'm not gonna even TRY to compete with that.

Ivhon
08-20-2010, 10:29 AM
Well done, sir!

Now pay me back that $50 you owe me....

Frenzy
08-20-2010, 10:48 AM
Sei'taer + inspiration + broken-down work truck = WIN

Sei'taer
08-20-2010, 04:41 PM
Well done, sir!

Now pay me back that $50 you owe me....

$50!!?? Damn man, your interest rates suck.

Sei'taer + inspiration + broken-down work truck = WIN

All I need is inspiration...and a little boredom.