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Xarra
11-10-2010, 07:53 AM
I'm toying with writing a fantasy novel... This would be a late part scene in it... Let me know what you think...

Note: Mortal is the title the child of a Celestis and mortal uses. :)


She itched. Her entire body was aflame and her head was burning with pain and heat. Even when the Chambers had been infested with fleas the itching hadn't been this intense, this internal. The damp sheets scraped against her raw skin, sending shocks through her body every time she moved to try and dispell the sensations.
Thought was becoming more difficult, the fingers that were scratching at her flesh starting to scratch at her brain, her thoughts, her very soul. She tried to scream, but her throat was already dry, hoarse from the cries that had already ripped themselves from her as the itch rippled under her skin.
"Lex..." the voice was distant, concerned, worried, caring. It caught her wavering attention long enough for her gritty eyes to open to see Dayne's blue eyes close to hers, before the agony swept her up again.
"We... get... priest" That was Relana, a small part of her mind that was drifting outside the pain, cold and seperate, noted, sighing at the Matron's belief in the Church.
The rushing in her ears crowded out the Mortal's reponse, but she knew that he would be protesting the Church's involvement with every careful word he spoke. Then the fire flared up again and darkness stole over her.
Her next awareness was as a cool cloth sweeped over her skin, gently soothing the pain momentarily as it passed over. She felt herself being turned gently, the cloth carefully moving across her, the agony returning as quickly as the coolness had passed. Thought followed conciousness and, yes, the itching seemed focused across her back now. Fingers carefully touched her back, the touch sparking off splinters of pain.
Whispers found her ears and she tried to understand the quiet words, a distraction from the red hot pins digging into her spine.
"You can't... normal... church healer..." So Relana was still there, but the words were tinged with desperation.
"... understand... be fine..." That was Dayne, but his voice was calm, almost understanding now. Alexis sighed, letting the darkness sweep her away from the pain. If Dayne said it would be fine, if he understood, it would be fine.

Firseal
11-10-2010, 08:06 PM
It is... very difficult to judge without context.

Okay, we have someone sick with a disease, or at least an infliction. You are running through it very quick, especially given how little we know otherwise, so it seems abrupt. Within a longer passage it would work better, but-

As this is, we have no connections to any of the characters. This could be a vision seen by a forth, not yet named character, who in hher or his fever touches the similarly fractured thoughts of this Alexis, and it would make as much sense.

It's interesting if you can get past the brevity and isolation of the passage, but there isn't much here to base an idea on. We know they have some sort of problem with the Church, and the emphesis on 'Mortal' implies that some characters are not - perhaps Alexis, though that would put an interesting twist on her sickness. But usually mortal is the unimportant division in a world containing immortals. Capitalizing it would imply more than that Dayne is a Nephilim, which your precursor sentence heavily implies (or at least a parallel creature type) but that something is special about being this hybrid is connected to his capacity for death.

More, I wonder at Matron.

Anyhow. It isn't enough material to tell much about at all. The disease could be much of anything, though the effects upon the skin are interesting. We haven't enough information to be suitably worried.

Or, simply, there isn't much to speculate on, because thus far there isn't much.