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Spidy
06-22-2011, 04:04 AM
Part 1

Now this is something that no-one in the history of the Shayol Ghul Gazette would ever have thought of being possible in their lifetimes, resurrections or any other place that the Great Lord may have decided should be the soul repository for our souls until the next incarnation.

Somehow, the Editor had been able to impose on Tar Valon that their side of the story before the Last Battle should be told. We have hubris on our side and rightly so. When you want to write history, you need the inept other sides view so you don’t have to write it in the official version.

To that end, yours truly was despatched down to that small insignificant island in the middle of the River Erinin, a cesspool whirlpool if you like, for a “one on one” interview with the Amyrlin Seat herself.

How this came about is subject for another article, I for one would like the Editor to let slip how he made it happen and also how I got there. A meeting with the Amyrlin Seat, Keeper of the Chronicles or the Mistress of Novices by either the Nae'blis, The Hand or another “Great” servant of the Dark would have put them in an apoplexy so there must have been some other subtle way of influencing the outcome. Perhaps some shrooms, muffins or wine that we have not yet accounted for (other than Spidy's secret stash) were put in play.

All I remember was me being in the Hall of the White Tower when before I was sipping some of DT’s Milo/Brandy combination which although chocolaty and sharp, didn’t really match a discerning Arachnids tastebuds. The alcohol certainly worked though.

Regardless, the Shayol Ghul Gazette is un-proud, (cause we really don’t care as we are going to whip the Light’s butt in a few days/months), to present an exclusive interview with the one, the only, Watcher of the Seals, The Flame of Tar Valon, The Amyrlin Seat (Woooooooo, Ed).

Spidy: So Egenwene....
Amyrlin Seat: Its Egwene and I am the Amyrlin Seat, ShadowSpawn fanboy, address me as such!
Spidy: Yeah right, that’s really going to happen isn’t it?
Amyrlin:You're rude aren't you. The Seat is Ancient. The Amyrlin is the White Tower and the White Tower demands respect.
Spidy: Big deal banana peel. You want me to rattle of some the Nae’blis exaltations?
Amyrlin: Uhm, what would they be and who is this Nae’Blis? [Sniff]
Spidy: For me to know and for you to find out. You can call him Bootlicker if you want. Are we ready to start this interview yet? Very tiring being down here out of the Blight. Too cold too?
Amyrlin: Uhm . . . . . . . . . Well yes I suppose so. [Sniff, sniff]
Spidy: Good. Let’s start then, roll tape....

Spidy: Everyone hates you, why is that Egwene?
Amyrlin: I said address me as the Amyrlin ...
Spidy: Bullshit, your name is Egwenwenniee and if you want your side of the story put out then we do it my way. Pomp and circumstance doesn’t cut it with me and if you try weaving some One Power crap as well, then let it be known that I am a wearer of a copy of the One-Eyed Fool Triangle Medallion thingy and the OP won’t work on me.
Amyrlin: You rude, sheepswallower. You . . . Blood and Bloody Ashes, how dare you speak to me as such. You will obey my commands.
Spidy: Heard you the first time, what you think you are a Jedi or something, waving your arms around like that. I tell you, I have a medallion, which blocks the One Power so either sit down and talk or rack off.

Slowly, cautiously the Amyrlin sat down. The Amyrlin Seat in the Hall of the Tower no longer felt like such a commanding presence anymore. This ruffian of a ShadowSpawn had unnerved every fibre of her body. But still, this was meant to be the opportunity she had been wishing for, dreaming for, the opportunity to get out her side of the story. All the Egwene-haters needed to understand what she was doing and why.

"Hey Egwenienie! You mind if I park this here Banana Lounge down here on the floor of the Tower Hall whilst we do this interview, it shouldn't scrape the tiles too much and I'm much more comfortable this way” said Spidy irreverently, already focusing on his creature comforts, oblivious to any other of the surroundings, confidant absolutely on the protection of the Great Lord and Uno's SGG "Tricks of the Trade".

“Don’t worry, I brought it myself, as well as this Esky. It’s only full of refreshments. Cider if you would like some, though for some reason there is always a XXXX or two in here as well and I can't seem to get rid of them. Every time I take one out there is always a replacement. Would you like one?”

Continued in Part 2

Spidy
06-23-2011, 09:03 AM
Spidy dropped the beer. Before it hit the ground, as if in mid-air it stopped falling, slowly it wafted its way towards the Amyrlin.

" 'XXXX' you say, is this like tea?" asked Eggy.

"No, Your Worship" replied Spidy, all mannered now that a Banana Lounge and an Esky had both been accessed. It was some surreal lifestyle thing that made Spidy's life such an enigma, he could be abrupt and abrasive, but put a beer in his hand and have him on a Banana Lounge and he became Pseudo passive. Cider made him even more passive.

Materialising from nowhere, a rip in the pattern became an onrush of persons, Ferid Hel, DT, Prof Snow, three Else's and some unknown SGG recruits, obvious as to their allegiance as they all were wearing "We Love Uno" badges attached to their lapels.

"We knew you would succumb Spidy. You've been corrupted by these so call Aes Seadi already. We are here to get this interview back on track."

Spidy looked at the crew, at the Cider in his mitt and at the very pretty Lady up on the seat and he rested his bones back into the Banana Lounge.

"Boys and Girls, she's all yours."

Uno
06-23-2011, 01:06 PM
Trollocgram to Spidy from Editor: Sober up and continue interview. Recall discussion re. sexing it up. Get inside scoop on Amyrlin personal probs. Bring up pillow friends if possible. Not telling you again. T-grams expensive. Editor not made of money. PS. Cooler empty. Bring XXXX on way back.

The Unreasoner
06-23-2011, 02:51 PM
This is actually quite funny.