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Davian93
01-02-2012, 09:06 PM
http://io9.com/5872490/if-famous-writers-had-written-twilight

Not that they would write trash like that but its still somewhat funny.

This was my favorite:

Ayn Rand

Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.

Though I must say I believe this was already written and we call it "Sword of Truth"

Res_Ipsa
01-02-2012, 10:07 PM
Though I must say I believe this was already written and we call it "Sword of Truth"

The Richard's Raptor Gaze is not pleased!

http://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/509928892/raptor_bigger.jpg

Rand al'Fain
01-03-2012, 12:35 AM
Rifftrax has a few samples on youtube about Twilight, which are hilarious, fyi.

Sinistrum
01-03-2012, 12:41 AM
Since we're bagging on Twilight I thought I'd throw this one in here just for comparison's sake.

Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing
what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it
is to have a boyfriend.

Frenzy
01-03-2012, 02:53 AM
more "baggage!" (i originally typed "gaggage," and seriously thought about leaving it, for it puns on multiple levels.)

http://chzsetphaserstolol.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/sci-fi-fantasy-twilight-simulator.jpg

http://chzsetphaserstolol.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/sci-fi-fantasy-twilight-best-twilight-shirt-ever.jpg

and my personal fave:
http://chzsetphaserstolol.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/donna.jpg

GonzoTheGreat
01-03-2012, 03:03 AM
JKR was hampered by commercial considerations. If Harry Potter had been about how important it is to have a boyfriend, then it wouldn't have sold nearly as well in the USA.

Davian93
01-03-2012, 06:15 AM
Since we're bagging on Twilight I thought I'd throw this one in here just for comparison's sake.

BTW, who is that you're quoting...I mentioned that same quote in a post bashing Twilight a few weeks ago and I couldnt remember who actually said it. I want to say Stephen King but I'm not sure.

Little help?


I also saw this awesome summary of the entire series that is pretty spot on I think:

It's the classic 'girl meets boy who loves her so much he leaves her because he's not good enough for her and then prevents her from seeing anyone else, but gets so jealous that she loves someone else that he marries her and she dies in childbirth and the second boy she loves marries her baby' story.

yks 6nnetu hing
01-03-2012, 06:17 AM
Found this:
http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/funny-facebook-fails-total-gibberish.png




Which made me think of Shakespeare and monkeys, which made me think, if Shakespeare had written Twilight, it wold have been something like this:

Bella gets shipwrecked on rainy island, Bella disguises herself as a boy, to be closer to the love of her life (Edward), while pretending to be a maid to a girl (Jake), who then falls in love with Bella-the-boy, then they all escape into a magical forest, Jake gets turned into a donkey, Bella accidentally ingests a love potion and falls in love with the donkey (Jake) while Edward falls in love with Bella, except he accidentally stabs her dead while she's hiding in the curtains. Jake goes on a mad rampage for revenge and has a soliloque, then strangles Edward.

Davian93
01-03-2012, 06:31 AM
Mark Reads Twilight (http://markreads.net/reviews/2010/11/complete-mark-reads-twilight-archive/)

Its Gold, Jerry!, Its Gold!!!

GonzoTheGreat
01-03-2012, 06:50 AM
And her day at school is irritating. Everyone MAGICALLY LOVES HER. Despite worrying about being an outcast, every person (except Edward Cullen, who we'll get to) accepts her. Right off the bat. It's a work of complete fiction and delusion, yet Bella is an outright asshole to virtually everyone who is nice to her. That's a great way to be accepted, you moron.
Well, it works, apparently, which is a lot better than just about any other approach I've ever heard about manages, so I guess she's on to something there. Maybe all the little kiddies should try this when they have their first day at a new school?

Terez
01-03-2012, 12:28 PM
Mark Reads Twilight (http://markreads.net/reviews/2010/11/complete-mark-reads-twilight-archive/)

Its Gold, Jerry!, Its Gold!!!I read the first chapter. His biggest complaint about her (the old SDT) can also be applied to certain other writers who garner a great deal of respect in these circles.

Zombie Sammael
01-03-2012, 12:35 PM
Which made me think of Shakespeare and monkeys, which made me think, if Shakespeare had written Twilight, it wold have been something like this:

Bella gets shipwrecked on rainy island, Bella disguises herself as a boy, to be closer to the love of her life (Edward), while pretending to be a maid to a girl (Jake), who then falls in love with Bella-the-boy, then they all escape into a magical forest, Jake gets turned into a donkey, Bella accidentally ingests a love potion and falls in love with the donkey (Jake) while Edward falls in love with Bella, except he accidentally stabs her dead while she's hiding in the curtains. Jake goes on a mad rampage for revenge and has a soliloque, then strangles Edward.

Not enough witches.

confused at birth
01-03-2012, 03:04 PM
very famous authors, I havent read anything from any of them but I know most of the names.


Who is Jake?

I wasnt paying a lot attention when I watched it was that the werewolf with no nuts?

Sinistrum
01-03-2012, 06:24 PM
BTW, who is that you're quoting...I mentioned that same quote in a post bashing Twilight a few weeks ago and I couldnt remember who actually said it. I want to say Stephen King but I'm not sure.

I've seen it attributed to King but snopes isn't quite sure of its source so I figured it would be best left unattributed.

Seeker
01-03-2012, 10:13 PM
I gotta ask a question: why do Theorylanders hate on Twilight. Now, I know this might seem weird given that I've just argued vehemently about all the flaws in the Star Wars prequels but, if you'll just indulge me for a moment, there's a big difference between hating on the Prequels and hating on Twilight and it's this:

You expect something called Star Wars to be good.

We all grew up with the Originals and that set our expectations for what the Prequels should offer. And when they didn't offer it, we got mad. But think about what you know about Twilight just from the back of the book.

Teenage girl falls in love with vampire and obsesses over him for 400 pages.

Okay, so it's Buffy the Vampire Slayer without the strong female lead, the quirky supporting cast, the whip-smart dialogue and the carefully-plotted story arcs. Got it. Well, was anyone actually expecting it to be good? and I know there are a lot of unpublished writers who look at Stephanie Myer and say "how did you sell a book?" - and, believe me, I feel your pain - but I prefer to look on the bright side. If this crap can sell, imagine your good fortune if you write something good.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't try to talk anyone out of hating something that obviously sucks, but I just think that Stepanie Myer thrives on all this bad publicity. She's like a troll of the literary world. People buy her books now just to see how bad they really are. (I've seen it).

Also, in some ways, it's become so cool to bash Twilight that some people nit-pick it for things that aren't actually flaws. Take the first paragraph of the "If other authors wrote Twilight link." The blogger says that she uses the word "eyes" 294 times in 498 pages as if this is some kind of cardinal sin. Just for kicks, I did a kindle search on Eye of the World and Fires of Heaven and, in each case the word "eyes" comes up nearly 700 times. That's right, 700.

Which, per capita, is roughly the same amount of usage (given that RJ's books are about 2.5 times as large as Twilight).

Now, the difference that RJ isn't using it in a "sappy, wuvy-dovey context." So, people don't object to it. I actually found myself hating this blogger simply because it felt like, by ripping on Twilight, she was picking on the weakest animal in the herd. It's like tripping a kid with crutches.

I prefer to just ignore Twilight, to pretend it's not there. My therapist tells me that if I do that, Twilight will go away.

*Looks up*

Oh, it's still here.

*Ignores it... Ignores it... Ignores it... Ignores it...*

Frenzy
01-03-2012, 10:38 PM
Why hate on Twilight?

1) If you see bad behavior and don't correct it, people will start to think it's acceptable. Now replace "behavior" with "attempts at writing."

2) Sappy 2-dimensional moronic dishrags do not make good literary characters, no matter what their gender is. But foisting said dishrags upon impressionable teenagers? See #1

3) Every good train wreck needs a peanut gallery.

Terez
01-03-2012, 10:55 PM
I gotta ask a question: why do Theorylanders hate on Twilight. It's far from just Theorylanders, you know. I actually read it recently. All four books. I even watched the movies (haven't seen the new one yet). Didn't pay a dime for any of it, but I was curious. I was entertained, despite the writing (because honestly, the writing in WoT isn't much better these days). I ended up gaining a great deal of appreciation for the main actors, not because they can act, but because of what they've gone through. None of them expected to be thrust in the spotlight by this (they had no idea how popular it was, and how much more popular the movies would be), and all of them were really modest about their acting skills. Also, Taylor Lautner is gay. I was amazed that he finally denied it, but clearly he's obviously under a lot of pressure from the filmmakers to keep that quiet (even more than most actors). They handle all that pressure pretty admirably.

Sinistrum
01-03-2012, 11:13 PM
I gotta ask a question: why do Theorylanders hate on Twilight.

For me personally, it is because the writing idealizes the psychology that leads women into my office as victims of domestic violence. By any object standard, Edward Cullen is a creepy stalking emotionally abusive shithead with more than a hit of capability for physical abuse. Furthermore Bella is a codependent, passive aggressive, whiny, emotionally manipulative idiot who epidomizes the irrational, dangerous, and moronic attraction a lot of women have to bad boy assholes (read abusers) and the inability of such women to function in society without such relationships. Their relationship is a prime example of everything that is wrong in modern romance and yet they are glorified as this classic love story in pop culture and widely celebrated. We literally have an entire generation of developing women thinking that what they have is how romantic relationships are supposed to be. The idolizing of that level of dysfunction is an incredibly terrifying thought to me. Meyers writing reveals not only her own underlying psychosis regarding relationships but is also poisoning the well for future generations who embrace her stories as actual literature. Thus, I will take any and every opportunity that presents itself to denigrate it and hope to god it sinks in with at least a few people.

Terez
01-03-2012, 11:18 PM
You mean you're not a 'bad boy asshole'? The ladies of Theoryland are disappointed!

Seeker
01-03-2012, 11:52 PM
For me personally, it is because the writing idealizes the psychology that leads women into my office as victims of domestic violence. By any object standard, Edward Cullen is a creepy stalking emotionally abusive shithead with more than a hit of capability for physical abuse. Furthermore Bella is a codependent, passive aggressive, whiny, emotionally manipulative idiot who epidomizes the irrational, dangerous, and moronic attraction a lot of women have to bad boy assholes (read abusers) and the inability of such women to function in society without such relationships. Their relationship is a prime example of everything that is wrong in modern romance and yet they are glorified as this classic love story in pop culture and widely celebrated. We literally have an entire generation of developing women thinking that what they have is how romantic relationships are supposed to be. The idolizing of that level of dysfunction is an incredibly terrifying thought to me. Meyers writing reveals not only her own underlying psychosis regarding relationships but is also poisoning the well for future generations who embrace her stories as actual literature. Thus, I will take any and every opportunity that presents itself to denigrate it and hope to god it sinks in with at least a few people.

Well put. I change my tune.

yks 6nnetu hing
01-04-2012, 01:27 AM
For me personally, it is because the writing idealizes the psychology that leads women into my office as victims of domestic violence. By any object standard, Edward Cullen is a creepy stalking emotionally abusive shithead with more than a hit of capability for physical abuse. Furthermore Bella is a codependent, passive aggressive, whiny, emotionally manipulative idiot who epidomizes the irrational, dangerous, and moronic attraction a lot of women have to bad boy assholes (read abusers) and the inability of such women to function in society without such relationships. Their relationship is a prime example of everything that is wrong in modern romance and yet they are glorified as this classic love story in pop culture and widely celebrated. We literally have an entire generation of developing women thinking that what they have is how romantic relationships are supposed to be. The idolizing of that level of dysfunction is an incredibly terrifying thought to me. Meyers writing reveals not only her own underlying psychosis regarding relationships but is also poisoning the well for future generations who embrace her stories as actual literature. Thus, I will take any and every opportunity that presents itself to denigrate it and hope to god it sinks in with at least a few people.

I agree 100%.

While, as Terez says, on the surface the books (and films, I suppose) are mildly entertaining, the underlying themes are very disturbing: The girl is so passive-aggressive that when her stalker of a "boyfriend" leaves her, she attempts to commit suicide. She repeatedly rejects the safer "bad boy" in favour of one who has a condition (vampire) where he might up and kill her one day, pretty much out of the blue. And instead of trying to help him cope with his pathology, she insists on becoming just like him. There's very little romantic about two violent schitzophrenics "in love".

It's a common theme in modern culture, this glorification of "crazy" - in my opinion it disrupts the treatment of those who really need treatment and attention while giving a convenient excuse to assholes.

Terez
01-04-2012, 04:58 AM
Well, the way it's written in the books, she wasn't trying to commit suicide. She had just suddenly become very enthralled with doing dangerous things. It was her first step on the road to becoming a dangerous vampire! Her boyfriend was the one who was truly suicidal, which is why she had to go to Italy to save him. It was a play on the Romeo and Juliet scenario. Whether it was done well is, of course, another question.

Seeker
01-04-2012, 04:56 PM
J.R.R. Tolkien:
Bella embarks on a journey to Edward's house and meets Jacob, a noble skin-changer who miraculously interprets the symbols on Bella's map. The narrative is occasionally interrupted by long descriptions of the forest near Edward's house and references to battles that took place there in ages long past.

George R. R. Martin:
The death of a Volturi calls Bella to Rome where she becomes entangled in the politics of the Vampire Court. Once established, she institutes a policy of non-violence toward humans despite its unpopularity with other members of the Council. She relies heavily on Edward who inevitably betrays her so that he may prop up Jasper as a puppet figurehead and rule from the shadows. Bella's story ends with her own beheading.


George Orwell:
Bella is considered cattle in a society run by the vampire elite. Over time, she gathers humans and human sympathizers into a grassroots resistance only to learn that Edward, her trusted friend and lover, is secretly a party sympathizer. Through mass hypnosis, the vampires break her and return her to "happy" life as a blood-doner.

Robert Heinlein:
Edward matriculates at Bella's high school with only limited knowledge of the outside world. Though she initially distrusts him, Bella befriends him and learns the secrets of his strange vampire ways. Eventually, Edward starts a religion based upon the worship of blood and the transcendence of self through the consumption of hemoglobin. Society is restructured to do away with human need.

Brandon Sanderson:
Edward finds Bella as a homeless girl on the streets of Seattle and, after turning her, he teaches her the secrets of Hemomancy - an archaic art where vampires derive different abilities based on the blood-type of their victims. After a protracted fight scene in the woods outside Forks, Bella travels to Rome, confronts the Lord Volturi and ends his despotic reign.

Amber Benson (Yes, the actress from Buffy):

The story is identical to Stephanie Meyer's version with one exception: the word "Eeew" appears 300 times throughout the narrative.

Jim Butcher:
Bella is an underpaid paranormal detective on the streets of Seattle. One days, she walks into her office to find the most gorgeous vampire sitting at her desk. After some witty banter, the vamp introduces himself as Edward and begs her to take a case in which a victim was found dead with two puncture wounds in his neck.

The vic, a former werewolf, is the latest in a string of murders on the East Side and if Bella doesn't find the killer, it will lead to a war between the blood-suckers and the shaggy dogs.

Partnered up with her father Charlie, a chain-smoking Lieutenant for the Seattle PD, Bella tracks down the killer, a guy werewolf named Jacob. Turns out, Jacob had murdered one of his own pack and made it look like a vamp in the hopes of starting an interspecies war that would leave him with control of most of the West Coast.

L. Ron Hubbard:
Bella is a savage girl who scrambles through the ruins of old cities in a world where vampires have taken over. Over time, she learns that vampires are just humans with fangs and that they can be killed after all. She leads a resistance and destroys the vampires by poisoning their blood supply.

The movie version includes Pattinson's outstanding delivery of this line.

"While you were still learning how to SPELL your name, I was was being trained... to conquer monarchies!"

Incidentally, a real-world psuedoreligion springs up over this book, dedicated to the process of removing white blood cells from its adherents.


Robert Jordan:
Bella is chosen to save the world from the vampire god, a task that would be much easier if the men she encountered weren't so god-damned confusing.

Gumming up the works is her psycho ex-boyfriend Edward, who turned vampire and plans to overthrow his god and rule on his own. Several chapters in the middle of the book are dedicated to detailed descriptions of Bella's dresses.


Terry Goodkind:
See Ayn Rand but add glowing fangs to the mix.

Khoram
01-04-2012, 05:11 PM
It's like tripping a kid with crutches.

Well, that's my favourite pastime, so I'm gonna keep on trippin'.


And the image I get in my head of this is making me laugh. It has something to do with what my mom did to my aunt when they were in CEGEP... Hilarious. :D

Firseal
01-06-2012, 06:33 PM
Mark Reads Twilight (http://markreads.net/reviews/2010/11/complete-mark-reads-twilight-archive/)

Its Gold, Jerry!, Its Gold!!!

To be fair, Twilight nearly destroyed Mark.

Oh, and Sinistrum? What you wrote there is pitch perfect.

Seeker
01-07-2012, 08:38 AM
Mark Reads Twilight (http://markreads.net/reviews/2010/11/complete-mark-reads-twilight-archive/)

Its Gold, Jerry!, Its Gold!!!

Hey, Davian, ever been to Mendy's? The swordfish there is delicious.

Rand al'Fain
01-08-2012, 12:54 AM
J.R.R. Tolkien:
Bella embarks on a journey to Edward's house and meets Jacob, a noble skin-changer who miraculously interprets the symbols on Bella's map. The narrative is occasionally interrupted by long descriptions of the forest near Edward's house and references to battles that took place there in ages long past.

George R. R. Martin:
The death of a Volturi calls Bella to Rome where she becomes entangled in the politics of the Vampire Court. Once established, she institutes a policy of non-violence toward humans despite its unpopularity with other members of the Council. She relies heavily on Edward who inevitably betrays her so that he may prop up Jasper as a puppet figurehead and rule from the shadows. Bella's story ends with her own beheading.


George Orwell:
Bella is considered cattle in a society run by the vampire elite. Over time, she gathers humans and human sympathizers into a grassroots resistance only to learn that Edward, her trusted friend and lover, is secretly a party sympathizer. Through mass hypnosis, the vampires break her and return her to "happy" life as a blood-doner.

Robert Heinlein:
Edward matriculates at Bella's high school with only limited knowledge of the outside world. Though she initially distrusts him, Bella befriends him and learns the secrets of his strange vampire ways. Eventually, Edward starts a religion based upon the worship of blood and the transcendence of self through the consumption of hemoglobin. Society is restructured to do away with human need.

Brandon Sanderson:
Edward finds Bella as a homeless girl on the streets of Seattle and, after turning her, he teaches her the secrets of Hemomancy - an archaic art where vampires derive different abilities based on the blood-type of their victims. After a protracted fight scene in the woods outside Forks, Bella travels to Rome, confronts the Lord Volturi and ends his despotic reign.

Amber Benson (Yes, the actress from Buffy):

The story is identical to Stephanie Meyer's version with one exception: the word "Eeew" appears 300 times throughout the narrative.

Jim Butcher:
Bella is an underpaid paranormal detective on the streets of Seattle. One days, she walks into her office to find the most gorgeous vampire sitting at her desk. After some witty banter, the vamp introduces himself as Edward and begs her to take a case in which a victim was found dead with two puncture wounds in his neck.

The vic, a former werewolf, is the latest in a string of murders on the East Side and if Bella doesn't find the killer, it will lead to a war between the blood-suckers and the shaggy dogs.

Partnered up with her father Charlie, a chain-smoking Lieutenant for the Seattle PD, Bella tracks down the killer, a guy werewolf named Jacob. Turns out, Jacob had murdered one of his own pack and made it look like a vamp in the hopes of starting an interspecies war that would leave him with control of most of the West Coast.

L. Ron Hubbard:
Bella is a savage girl who scrambles through the ruins of old cities in a world where vampires have taken over. Over time, she learns that vampires are just humans with fangs and that they can be killed after all. She leads a resistance and destroys the vampires by poisoning their blood supply.

The movie version includes Pattinson's outstanding delivery of this line.

"While you were still learning how to SPELL your name, I was was being trained... to conquer monarchies!"

Incidentally, a real-world psuedoreligion springs up over this book, dedicated to the process of removing white blood cells from its adherents.


Robert Jordan:
Bella is chosen to save the world from the vampire god, a task that would be much easier if the men she encountered weren't so god-damned confusing.

Gumming up the works is her psycho ex-boyfriend Edward, who turned vampire and plans to overthrow his god and rule on his own. Several chapters in the middle of the book are dedicated to detailed descriptions of Bella's dresses.


Terry Goodkind:
See Ayn Rand but add glowing fangs to the mix.

For awhile there, I was thinking of Bela the horse from WOT...

GonzoTheGreat
01-08-2012, 03:58 AM
For awhile there, I was thinking of Bela the horse from WOT...
Maybe the whole series is just a description of Bela's quest to find a pretty sparkling vampire.