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View Full Version : Recent WoT Oscar Winners


newyorkersedai
01-07-2012, 06:21 PM
I've written plenty of funny posts on another wot site, but it would be lame to repost. I don't know that this is as good as my earlier work, but I wanted to try something different and make at least a couple more forum contributions before this series is over.
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One of the amazing things about the structure of Jordan's WoT Universe is that there are worlds-within-worlds, worlds where every event happened differently. One of the amazing possibilities, then, is that with all of these parallel worlds, it's likely that one or all of these have been made as motion pictures...

Treeception
Rand and Perrin have severe personality disorders like whining too much and anger issues. A band of Aiel Dreamwalkers hopes to fix these problems by entering their minds and giving them peace. This picture received an Oscar for Hans Zimmer's reworking of "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake, as well as an SFX Oscar for the 2-hour sequence of Rand and Perrin falling from the top of a 100-span-tall Tree and hitting every branch on the way down.

The Return of the King's Speech
Rand Al Thor is the potential savior of the world. But when he'sneeded most, his vision fails and he can't read the speech that will rally his supporters! A childhood friend and tormentor, Nynaeve, tries writing his speech in larger and larger fonts. When this fails, she invents Braille and beats Rand until he learns it.

The Societal Network
A fascinating biopic about the life and times of Elaida Do Avriny. From her precipitous rise to her uninspiring fall, this movie shows how being liked by nobody inspired Elaida to succeed, then fail, then succeed, then fail again, then fail even worse. Since her character inexplicably became a total idiot half-way through the story, this movie received an Oscar just because it ended*.
*=please note this Oscar will be revoked if her character ever returns in a later feature.

Winter's Heart's Bone
Egwene Al Vere is a tough young woman who tracks down and chastises everyone she thinks is irresponsible and disapproves of. This film won a special Oscar for being the first movie with a running time of 22 years.

T(or)aken
Perrin Aybara had given up his warrior ways and become a simple blacksmith. But when his wife is kidnapped by icky foreigners, he goes wild! First he picks up his axe and kills many people with it. Then he drops his axe, picks up his hammer, and kills many people with that instead. His reasoning? Blunt damage hurts more. This picture won an Oscar for Rip Torn's stirring lead - but only because people thought the movie was about severe dementia.

The Princess and the Fog
Elayne Trakand is an average daughter-heir with an incomprehensibly boring and drawn-out life. But her kingdom is now under attack by Padan Fain, a weird little man whose powers are a walking deus ex machina. When she learns that the only way to defeat Fain is to kiss him, she invents a new form of balefire that can erase events up to 2 1/2 years earlier. This picture won an Oscar for Most-Lengthily Described Costume Design.

127 Ages
Rand Al Thor's sometimes-useless girlfriend insists on a volcano-side picnic in the Lands of Madness. A sudden avalanche, however, ruins their outing - it pins Al Thor's hand and he can't concentrate to channel himself free! How can he survive with nothing more than 3 sandwiches, an angreal, a bottle of wine, and a tasseled spear? This picture won 2 Oscars for the stunning final reveal that the boulder killed Min at the same time it crippled our hero.

How to Train Your Dragon
The only documentary to win Best Documentary as well as Best Picture, which is odd because documentaries are pictures too. Here, Min, Avhiendha, and Elayne show the best way for polyamorous couples to make sure that life goes smoothly. Oscars were given to Min for entrenching herself so deeply that she no longer needs to guilt-trip her man, Avhiendha for showing how a complete lack of respect and affection can win a guy over, and Elayne, for the most unromantic first-coupling since 9 1/2 weeks.

Black Siuan
Rand Al Thor is the best male dancer in the continent; while still a boy, he mastered the sasara, for which his parents kicked him out of the house. Now, he's all grown up and wants to perform for the Amyrlin herself! But, Selene, Tar Valon's new ballet director, isn't sure he's got the right temperament. While satisfying her own dark desires, Seline plays Rand off Elan Morin, his main competitor for the role. This movie won 3 Oscars in the new BestSalacious Content categories.

Terez
01-07-2012, 06:39 PM
I would like to see Rand dance the sa'sara. Moridin too.

finn
01-08-2012, 10:33 AM
Thom
While downing celebratory drinks at an inn in Caemlyn, Perrin & Mat are attacked by trollocs but manage to drive them back into the Waygate they came from. An aging and limping Thom, doubtful of his usefulness to Mat tries to overcompensate by using Perrin's hammer during the battle, only to lose the powerful weapon in the dark emptiness of the Ways. Now banished by the one-eyed Mat into a parallel world, Thom must seek an alternate version of Mah'alleinir and is aided by a Moiraine Aes Sedai of the Brown Ajah, a researcher of Portal Stones who may be his only hope of returning home.


Captain-General Adelorna: The First Weaver
Following the devastating Seanchan attack, a puny Accepted destined for the Yellow is hand-picked by a captured Damane for an experiment that could give the White Tower a Green who can fight back. Modifying the weave used to heal Stilling to increase strength in the Power, the novice Adelorna is transformed into a super-strong Aes Sedai and the most powerful channeler alive. Armed with a shield called Truth, the sword Justice and a Paralis Net, it is up to Captain-General Adelorna to stop the enigmatic Captain of the Red, Chulein before she can unleash her deadly Raken on every remaining city free from the Seanchan.


The Dragon Rises
Eight years after The Last Battle, the Dreadlord Taim arrives in Cairhien City, pushing the Asha'man and the Band of the Red Hand to their limits, forcing its former ruler Rand to resurface for the first time since causing the second Breaking of the World. Complicating matters is the return of the mysterious Lady Selene aka Cyndane who has her own vendetta against Cairhien's nobility.

Zombie Sammael
01-08-2012, 11:10 AM
T'A'R Wars: Possessing plans that could allow the Rebel Aes Sedai Alliance to destroy the Seanchan Empire's greatest weapon, the Moridin Star, Princess Elayne Trakand is on the run! But when the sinister Darth Elaida catches up with her, she's forced to turn the plans over to two humble droids: RThom-DThom and C-Juilin. When they crash-land in the Aiel Waste, young Rand al'Skywalker leaves the farm run by his Unclce Tam and takes them to his mentor, Mobi-wan Damodred, who tells him his destiny has come and he must learn the ways of Tel'aran'rhiod! The only trouble is, a dog can't teach a cat to fly (or whatever), so how can he learn in time to stop Darth Elaida and the Empire's sinister plans?

The Seanchan Empire Strikes Back: Having destroyed the Moridin star, Rand and his friends, Mat Solo and Chewblacksmith, have joined the Rebel Aes Sedai Alliance. Rand is contacted by the spirit of Mobi-Wan, telling him he must go and train with the Aes Sedai who trained her, Yodasuane. He travels to the far off Teargoba System. Meanwhile, Princess Elayne, Mat, and Chewblacksmith are on the run from the Seanchan Empire, and arrive at Cloud Cairhien, where they seek aid from Mat's old friend, Lando Talmanes. But Talmanes is a double agent, and it all comes to a head as Rand strikes out on his own; in his fateful confrontation with Darth Elaida, Rand loses his hand, and Elaida reveals the shocking truth: she is Rand's mother! NOOOOO!

Return of the Sedai: Rand and his friends have to rescue Mat from the lair of the vile peddler, Padan the Fain. Rand returns to Teargoba to finish his training with Yodasuane, but she insists on calling him boy, won't tolerate his surliness, and suddenly croaks it. Now, a half trained Rand must face off against both Darth Elaida and the evil Emperor Shai'tanine in a final confrontation aboard the Empire's newly operational Moridin Star!

Years later, the stories will be digitally remastered with new scenes and CGI added in, leaving fans hotly debating the question: who shot Asmodean first? But don't even ask about the prequels (and outriggers)!

Zombie Sammael
01-08-2012, 11:41 AM
Rand Sedai vs The (Eye of the) World - Rand al'Thor, slacker, shepherd, and part-time musician, has just met the girl of his dreams: Elayne Flowers. But Elayne has a secret: the future of her love life is being controlled... by her League of Forsaken Exes! If Rand can't beat them all, he can't be with Elmindreda. To make matters worse, he's still got to deal with his current girlfriend, Knives Farshaw, and get over his feelings for his ex, Envy (formerly Aviendha) Adams... all made worse when her band, the Taardad Aiel, are enjoying more success now than ever before. Rand's Band, Sex Drag-on, have to play. Rand's gotta fight... because if he doesn't play to win, Elayne will almost certainly fall back into the arms of Gideon Moridin, leader of the Forsaken Exes! Now, he has to take down all seven: Sammael Patel and his demon hipster chicks, Lucas Modean and his skimming tricks, Roxy Lanfear, Envy's new boyfriend, Todd Ingramdred, the 'Gar twins, and Moridin himself...

finn
01-08-2012, 01:35 PM
The Matrim
Matrim Cauthon also known by the alias Mat, is hunted by shadowy agents of the Dark One. Mat comes to realize there is something wrong with the world. He can't put a finger on what's wrong but it's there like a dagger, piercing holes in his mind. Mat is contacted by the mysterious figure, Moiraine who reveals that he may be the One she is looking for. Through her, Mat understands that there are questions that drive him and that he will need to seek answers to those questions just as she did. The answers Mat gets eventually lead him to awaken from the bondage of a noose and into a ravaged wasteland. Moiraine knows that it is her fate to be trapped by these entities with the answers, the ones that hold all the keys, who live off of human emotions in a way that turned a human being into a source they can continuously feed from. Yet when the time comes, she accepts that fate for the sake of The One, knowing what it will cost her. Mat learns that his memories cannot tell him who he is and he knows he will eventually have to confront them again. He believes he can rescue Moiraine and must, for the sake of the world.

Lupusdeusest
01-08-2012, 01:49 PM
Bela: Queen of the Wetlands
Two young men and a transexual from the relaxed suburb of Emondsfield have their lives jolted as one of them, Randy Del Bra, receives a call from his long-separated wife (originally husband). Together, he and his two best friends, Felicia Jollygooddoormat and Perrinla Aybara, must set off across the wildness of the wetlands on a lavender pony called Bela, to perform the drag show of their lives in the isolated township of Shayol Springs. Along the way, they make new friends, like Bill, a farrier needing a life change, and also learn how well their suburb has sheltered them.

Seeker
01-08-2012, 01:54 PM
See, my question is what did Rand, Mat and Perrin do for fun as teenagers in the Two Rivers?


I can see it now.

MAT:
Okay... Okay... Your boss wants the budget numbers on his desk by three o'clock but Excel didn't back up the spreadsheet.


RAND: *grabs dice*
Fortitude save! Fortitude save!

Zombie Sammael
01-08-2012, 02:37 PM
See, my question is what did Rand, Mat and Perrin do for fun as teenagers in the Two Rivers?

I think it was called "Easing the badger"...

eht slat meit
01-08-2012, 08:52 PM
I would like to see Rand dance the sa'sara. Moridin too.

Oh jeez, I could totally see the pair of them dancing it to the Scissor Sisters "I Can't Decide" song.

I'm such a nerd.

Lupusdeusest
01-09-2012, 12:12 AM
Oh jeez, I could totally see the pair of them dancing it to the Scissor Sisters "I Can't Decide" song.

I'm such a nerd.

You two just killed the entire Horse's Head staff with giggles.

Landro
01-09-2012, 12:17 AM
Years later, the stories will be digitally remastered with new scenes and CGI added in, leaving fans hotly debating the question: who shot Asmodean first?

I'd rep that! :)

Tomp
01-09-2012, 05:39 AM
I would like to see Rand dance the sa'sara. Moridin too.

Was it that you wanted to see them both dance the sa'sara or was it that both you and Moridin wanted to watch Rand dance? :)

Lupusdeusest
01-09-2012, 05:52 AM
Was it that you wanted to see them both dance the sa'sara or was it that both you and Moridin wanted to watch Rand dance? :)


Or is Moridin a madman stuck inside your head?

Zombie Sammael
01-09-2012, 06:35 AM
Andoran Psycho: Rand al'Thor is a wealthy, successful shepherd in Caemlyn's thriving wool-gathering business. But when one of Rand's fellow vice-ta'veren presents a nicer ter'angreal than his, his urge to channel reaches a crescendo, and he embarks on a bloody travelling spree. But in a world rife with rumours and misconceptions, even his confession to his Aes Sedai Advisor, Moiraine, means nothing. Is Rand mad, or is it Lews Therin?

Oden
01-13-2012, 01:25 PM
Eternal sunrise of the spotted mind: Rand's redhead girlfriend went to get her memories fixed, she didn't like their relationship. Rand decided to do the same thing and thus started a journey back in time. He lived the memories of the decline of their relationship, the one of AS and Aiel. He saw how they both changed to not communicating from being together all the time.

Crispin's Crispian
01-13-2012, 03:17 PM
See, my question is what did Rand, Mat and Perrin do for fun as teenagers in the Two Rivers?


I can see it now.

MAT:
Okay... Okay... Your boss wants the budget numbers on his desk by three o'clock but Excel didn't back up the spreadsheet.


RAND: *grabs dice*
Fortitude save! Fortitude save!
And they called it "Buildings & Bosses?"

"Cubicles & Coworkers?"

Tomp
01-13-2012, 04:28 PM
Apt pupil.

Mat tries to learn the juggling from Thom and realises Thom's a mass murderer who's wanted by Morgase for running death camps during the Aiel war.

Mat blackmails him into being an expert on torturing people and throwing daggers with precision.