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Sei'taer
01-29-2012, 09:44 AM
Sorry to do this to you guys, but I just had to get this out and I don't have anybody else I can talk to right now.

My FIL is dying of cancer. He had a spot on his colon and they removed it but it moved onto his lung and they removed that and gave him chemo and radiation. He did better for a while. It eventually moved into the bone in his hip and then his other hip and into his pelvis and spine. We had to take him to the hospital on Monday because he had a mild heart attack and it doesn't look like he's going to be getting nay better. His liver has shut down and he's in incredible pain. Most of the time he doesn't know who anybody is. It's been a really shitty week and it got worse today.

My 5 yr old son (who will be 6 on the Feb. 10th) has basically stayed with my in-laws from the time he was six weeks old until he started school. They watched him every day while my wife and I worked. They have a super close relationship. Jake would rather go there than anywhere else to play with Papa. He understands that Papa has cancer and has been sick, but he's 5...he doesn't really understand what could happen.

Today we had to sit down and explain to him that Papa wasn't going to be coming home. It was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. He looked at me and said "but Daddy, Papa is my best friend!". I had to hold this little boy and watch him cry. If I felt like shit before, I really feel like shit now. The really bad thing is that last night my FIL had a few lucid minutes and I told him Jake loved him and he said "tell him I love him too, he's my best friend."

I'm hiding in the bathroom right now crying while he watches TV. Pray you never have to do this. It was terrible.

Anyway, I feel like shit and I'm here alone with Jake and I had to get this off my chest so I figured I'd talk to y'all.

SauceyBlueConfetti
01-29-2012, 09:52 AM
Huge hug for you & your family. I find I have no comforting words...nothing can be said other than you have all of our support and love. Lots of invisible hands to hold when you just need to sit and hide. :(

Tomp
01-29-2012, 10:42 AM
I am so sorry for you and your family. Although I don't know you very well, I still feel for you in this situation.
I lost my father way to early and I could after a while find some relief in listening to music. However your situation is a little different and I don't pretend to know what you're going through.

Since english isn't my first language, it can be a little difficult to convey the meaning of all that I want to say.

Know this. We support you and love you.

And never be sorry for reaching out to those around you. Be it those who you share the physical space around you with or, as for us, those who you share an interest with.

I don't know what else to say.

Stay strong in this difficult time.

Mort
01-29-2012, 10:50 AM
That really sucks :(

All the best to you and yours, Sei.

Khoram
01-29-2012, 11:05 AM
We're all here for you, Sei. Stay strong, and be the best father you can possibly be for your son. When you have nobody else to talk to, never feel like you're putting a burden on us by coming to talk to us. Like I said, we're all here for you.

We'll be praying for you and your family throughout these trying times.

Rand al'Fain
01-29-2012, 12:40 PM
As the others said, if you ever need to just let it out, do not hesitate to do so on here. Our thoughts and pravyers for you and your famiy.

Zombie Sammael
01-29-2012, 01:02 PM
:( big hugs Sei'taer. It must be absolutely heartbreaking. No that we are here to help if you need to let it out.

confused at birth
01-29-2012, 01:20 PM
That sucks

Sorry

The Unreasoner
01-29-2012, 04:53 PM
Well, we are here for you and your son, for what it's worth.

Our thoughts and prayers go with you

Frenzy
01-29-2012, 05:49 PM
~hugs~ Taer & Aly & Jake & the whole family

Davian93
01-29-2012, 05:55 PM
So sorry for your loss.

Sei'taer
01-29-2012, 06:35 PM
Thanks y'all.

This afternoon Jake got to go see his Papa. He was super happy to see him and luckily Papa was lucid enough to talk to him for a little while.

I guess it's just waiting now.

Terez
01-29-2012, 06:51 PM
I'm glad he was able to see him one more time. Sometimes closure makes all the difference in the world. Hugs for everyone, perhaps especially Alyson (not sure if I spelled that right). My mom went through this not long ago, and Marie happened to be here at the time and helped her work through it. I'm not very good at stuff like that.

Seeker
01-29-2012, 07:53 PM
My condolences, Taer. If there's anything I can do, just ask.

Ivhon
01-29-2012, 09:39 PM
Hugs, dude. I know this sucks.

Let Jake know you are hurting, too, but find your center and calm when the time comes that he really really needs you. That little nervous system hasn't finished growing yet and it hurts for him. Your calm presence lets him know at a level deeper than just words that everything is going to end up ok.

Holding you in my thoughts.

Basel Gill
01-29-2012, 09:56 PM
Thoughts and prayers are with you man. There is no good way to discuss something like this with a young person, much less deal with it yourself. I second Ivhon's advice. Good stuff comes from that commie sometimes. ;)

Isabel
01-29-2012, 11:39 PM
I am really sorry to hear this :( I can't imagine how hard it would be to tell your child something like that.
Big hug for everyone.

Sinistrum
01-30-2012, 12:07 AM
A very wise friend of mine once told me that life is full of equal parts pain and beauty. The pain in this situation is obvious. The beauty is more subtle. But nothing could put the nature of your father in laws relationship with your son into such a stark clarity than this I think. And that relationship was something very beautiful. Hopefully that will be something he will carry with him for the rest of his life.

yks 6nnetu hing
01-30-2012, 01:52 AM
huge hugs to you and your family!

After all the pain has passed, you (and your son) will remember the good times: the sunshine and laughter, fishing and the long afternoons spent indoors because it was pouring rain outside and playing games and all the happy memories. Those are the things that last, and it's so important and good that Jake has them. He will have them for the rest of his life.

Hopper
01-30-2012, 02:01 AM
taer, Aly and Jake.

We are all here for you and you have our prayers and love. Ivhon has some wise words; I agree with him completely.

DahLliA
01-30-2012, 05:57 AM
my sympathies :(

Crispin's Crispian
01-30-2012, 11:13 AM
Thanks y'all.

This afternoon Jake got to go see his Papa. He was super happy to see him and luckily Papa was lucid enough to talk to him for a little while.


I'm really glad to hear this. As you know my kids are both older than Jake, but they haven't experienced anything like this yet. I'm dreading it, too.

I think Jake is young enough that the pain of losing his Papa will fade quickly, while the good memories will last his whole life.

tworiverswoman
01-30-2012, 12:30 PM
I don't have anything more useful to say than "sorry this is happening."

I hurt for your son's confusion and grief. There's no "good" age to go through this, but when you're this young, it's so hard to come to any kind of comprehension as to why this is happening.

I'm sorry, too, for your father-in-law's suffering. Pain is a real bitch, but the drugs that help keep it at arm's length rob you of the time you need so badly.

You can vent to us and we'll try to help as we can. I wish we could help your son, but that's going to be your job, mostly. Strength to you and yours.

Figbiscuit
01-30-2012, 04:17 PM
Big hugs. Everyone else seems to have expressed my feelings about this sad situation much better than I ever could, but you will stay in my thoughts, and prayers such as they are. Stay strong.

Weiramon
01-30-2012, 04:38 PM
We found this (http://www.amazon.com/Invisible-String-Patrice-Karst/dp/0875167349) helpful with our 5 year old.

Condolences and prayers.

Sei'taer
01-30-2012, 04:45 PM
Thanks guys. I love each and every one of you. You've helped me feel a lot better. It still bothers me a lot. Especially when he asks if he can do so and so with Papa when he gets out of the hospital. It just hit me really hard the other day.

Today Papa is in a comatose state, he has his legs straightened out in the bed, which he hasn't been able to do for over a month because of the pain in his hips. My wife is a mess, but she has a good group of friends that she can talk to about things. Y'all are my group and I really needed that.

Also, thanks to those of you that PM'd me here and on FB. Y'all are the best.

Ishara
01-31-2012, 07:50 AM
Love and strength to you, my dear. And much love to Aly and Jake, as well.

I'll be thinking of you all today. It's not much, but if knowing you can count on us helps even a little, then I'll keep doing it. xo

pops taer
01-31-2012, 08:47 AM
Well, son, you know how I feel about all this. I know that you haven't been calling me because of the hours I work. But from here on don't let that hold you back. I'm here!!

As for all the TL'ers that have offered the support. As I've always said in the past, we fight, fuss, argue, disagree, etc., but when it comes down to the 'cuttin' we are all there for each other. Greatest bunch ever!!!

WinespringBrother
01-31-2012, 11:37 AM
Sorry to hear about your FIL, Taer... you have my condolences.

bowlwoman
01-31-2012, 02:15 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

My girls haven't had to deal with a close death yet (my gma died last year, but they were so little and we live so far away that it didn't really register with them), but I so don't envy you your task of explaining the hard to your son. My own 5 yo is starting to somewhat get it, but more in terms of "don't run out into the street or you could get really hurt" and stuff like that.

Two of my cousins were less than 4 months old and the other two not even born when my grandpa died (I was 15). Even though your son is losing his best friend, he'll always have the memories of that relationship. And that is special and precious.

Again, I am so sorry for this. Please don't hesitate to talk if you need someone who knows the area and has kids with similar ages.

Sei'taer
01-31-2012, 07:50 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

My girls haven't had to deal with a close death yet (my gma died last year, but they were so little and we live so far away that it didn't really register with them), but I so don't envy you your task of explaining the hard to your son. My own 5 yo is starting to somewhat get it, but more in terms of "don't run out into the street or you could get really hurt" and stuff like that.

Two of my cousins were less than 4 months old and the other two not even born when my grandpa died (I was 15). Even though your son is losing his best friend, he'll always have the memories of that relationship. And that is special and precious.

Again, I am so sorry for this. Please don't hesitate to talk if you need someone who knows the area and has kids with similar ages.


So today, we were discussing funeral arrangements and stuff and my SIL (who is an idiot and a school teacher...gee go figure) tells me that I'm not allowed to bring Jake to the funeral. I basically told her to put her head between her legs and sit on it until it went up her ass as far as it would go. On top of everything else, now I'm pissed off.

As far as I'm concerned, it's part of life and his Papa was his best friend and Jake is going to go.

Khoram
01-31-2012, 07:55 PM
So today, we were discussing funeral arrangements and stuff and my SIL (who is an idiot and a school teacher...gee go figure) tells me that I'm not allowed to bring Jake to the funeral. I basically told her to put her head between her legs and sit on it until it went up her ass as far as it would go. On top of everything else, now I'm pissed off.

As far as I'm concerned, it's part of life and his Papa was his best friend and Jake is going to go.

Really? As far as I'd be concerned, it would at the very least be up to your wife. That's just ridiculous!

confused at birth
01-31-2012, 08:04 PM
It should be your choice not hers and I am not saying there is a right or wrong thing to do in this situation but it really does depend on the child and how well they understand what is going on.

At my aunts funeral her kids(7 & 4) were there and didnt understand what was going on or why they had to sit still. The older one wouldnt sit still and kept complaining and younger one was turning around grinning and trying to be the center of attention so they had to be taken out of the church by their father.

Sei'taer
01-31-2012, 08:05 PM
Really? As far as I'd be concerned, it would at the very least be up to your wife. That's just ridiculous!

My wife had already told her Jake was going, she just thought she was going to bully me into doing what she wanted. She found out quick that I don't put up with that kind of shit.

Davian93
01-31-2012, 08:05 PM
So today, we were discussing funeral arrangements and stuff and my SIL (who is an idiot and a school teacher...gee go figure) tells me that I'm not allowed to bring Jake to the funeral. I basically told her to put her head between her legs and sit on it until it went up her ass as far as it would go. On top of everything else, now I'm pissed off.

As far as I'm concerned, it's part of life and his Papa was his best friend and Jake is going to go.

Funeral arrangements often bring out the worst aspects of people's personalities. Grief does very odd things to people so they lash out in such ways.

bowlwoman
01-31-2012, 08:08 PM
So today, we were discussing funeral arrangements and stuff and my SIL (who is an idiot and a school teacher...gee go figure) tells me that I'm not allowed to bring Jake to the funeral. I basically told her to put her head between her legs and sit on it until it went up her ass as far as it would go. On top of everything else, now I'm pissed off.

As far as I'm concerned, it's part of life and his Papa was his best friend and Jake is going to go.

Yeah, I have that Uncle/Aunt-in-law who pulled similar crap with us at my Gpa's funeral. Not about us attending, but what we were wearing. They live in Southaven, btw.

My girls and my niece and nephews (all ages 2-5 at the time) attended my grandma's funeral. There was never even a thought about them not going. That's not to say that my aunt didn't get annoyed at her grandnieces and grandnephews rolling around on the floor in front of the casket during the visitation, but they were fine. And they really behaved during the services at the funeral home and the cemetary.
Kids (especially that age) pick up on the vibes and environment. We just made sure we had snacks and little things for them to do during the service. Yes, it was a bit distracting, but you know what? We were there celebrating my grandma's life, and those babies were a huge part of that life. To not have them there would have done a disservice to her memory and legacy.

IMO, it would cause more problems for your son if he wasn't allowed to attend. He's gonna need the closure, even at this age. Both he and your FIL have identified as the other's best friend, and it's ludicrous that your SIL thinks he shouldn't be there. If your FIL's best friend were an older man, I'm sure he'd be there, and maybe even asked to be a pallbearer. (And I bet your SIL would have a fit if you suggested that your son be a pallbearer. :D)

Sei'taer
01-31-2012, 08:12 PM
Yeah, I have that Uncle/Aunt-in-law who pulled similar crap with us at my Gpa's funeral. Not about us attending, but what we were wearing. They live in Southaven, btw.

My girls and my niece and nephews (all ages 2-5 at the time) attended my grandma's funeral. There was never even a thought about them not going. That's not to say that my aunt didn't get annoyed at her grandnieces and grandnephews rolling around on the floor in front of the casket during the visitation, but they were fine. And they really behaved during the services at the funeral home and the cemetary.
Kids (especially that age) pick up on the vibes and environment. We just made sure we had snacks and little things for them to do during the service. Yes, it was a bit distracting, but you know what? We were there celebrating my grandma's life, and those babies were a huge part of that life. To not have them there would have done a disservice to her memory and legacy.

IMO, it would cause more problems for your son if he wasn't allowed to attend. He's gonna need the closure, even at this age. Both he and your FIL have identified as the other's best friend, and it's ludicrous that your SIL thinks he shouldn't be there. If your FIL's best friend were an older man, I'm sure he'd be there, and maybe even asked to be a pallbearer. (And I bet your SIL would have a fit if you suggested that your son be a pallbearer. :D)


Guess what I'm suggesting tomorrow...

bowlwoman
01-31-2012, 08:12 PM
Guess what I'm suggesting tomorrow...

Glad you picked up on that. :)

Sei'taer
01-31-2012, 08:20 PM
Glad you picked up on that. :)

Hey, my motto is if you can get them from the front, then you fucking stab them in the back. Since my wife saw LotR she calls me Tricksy when I get onto a quest like this.

Khoram
01-31-2012, 08:21 PM
My wife had already told her Jake was going, she just thought she was going to bully me into doing what she wanted. She found out quick that I don't put up with that kind of shit.

It's not too late to write her out of the Will, is it? Or at least scratch her name?

On a more serious note: my uncle died suddenly of epilepsy back when I was 8, and when I found out the news, I didn't understand. My mom called me into her room and she was crying; she then told me how he died while out with a friend - he just collapsed and essentially died there on the spot. The ambulance got there fifteen minutes later.

I didn't go to the wake, cause I didn't want to accept that he was gone, so I never got to see him again. At the funeral, I was a bubbling mess - I could barely keep it under control; I also didn't go to the burial - I was afraid then, too. It was then that I started drinking coffee - the caffeine (and sugar) was enough to dull the pain a bit (and it got me running around a lot).

Needless to say, children have the right to attend the funerals of their loved ones. For sure. Some may not understand, but there are those few who are mature enough at a young age to at least realize what is going on. I may not have attended the wake or the burial, but I was there at the funeral. And I'm wholly thankful that I attended. Jake will be happier, later on in his life, that he attended his grandfather's funeral, regardless of whether he understands now or not. When he does understand, he'll appreciate the fact that he had one last chance to say goodbye to his best friend.

And make sure to bring him to visit the site every now and then. I regret not going to my uncle's burial site more often than I have in the past decade.

Yellowbeard
01-31-2012, 09:06 PM
Just saw this thread. Haven't looked @ TL in a while.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Saying prayers that the Almighty will send you and your family some peace.

Depending on how your son does, if he has a rough time, get him in to see a grief counselor. There are specialists that can help him, and also help you be able to help him better. It's money well spent.

As for the family issues, stress and grief or not, people are still responsible for their actions even when distressed. I hope your SIL comes to her senses and eventually apologizes. That said, you've got enough going on. Take your son, let him say goodbye and be part of the group, and otherwise don't engage in the other drama that anyone baits you with. Will only make things rougher for yourself if you respond in a way that is retaliatory or escalatory.

Good luck.

And again...I'm sorry.

Uno
02-01-2012, 02:14 AM
I'm not what you'd call a comforter, but we've suffered a few bereavements lately, and it's ok not to take this stoically, you know. I hate it when people say things like "it's going to be ok," because, sometimes it's not. Of course, for a five-year-old, it probably will be ok in not too long.

Ishara
02-01-2012, 07:55 AM
As far as I'm concerned, it's part of life and his Papa was his best friend and Jake is going to go.

Maybe I'm just thick this morning, but why on Earth would he not be allowed to go? On what grounds? It's confusing to me that she would even think it appropriate to speak out load! Does she have kids? Are they going?

Jake may be a bit of a shorty to be a pallbearer, but I bet if his big, tall Dad were hanging out there with him he'd do just fine...

:D

Sei'taer
02-01-2012, 08:05 AM
Maybe I'm just thick this morning, but why on Earth would he not be allowed to go? On what grounds? It's confusing to me that she would even think it appropriate to speak out load! Does she have kids? Are they going?

Jake may be a bit of a shorty to be a pallbearer, but I bet if his big, tall Dad were hanging out there with him he'd do just fine...

:D

That's the idea! In my family, grandsons and nephews are pallbearers. If theres not enough, we pick good friends. I think we can list him as an honorary pallbearer and it'll work out just fine.

Just so you all know, Gary L. Frick died at 1:30am. Last night his wife insisted that Al and her sister go home and rest while she stayed with Gary. I think in his heart, he didn't want his daughters to be there when he died and that's why he held on as long as he did.

I had a crazy dream last night that he told me happy birthday and took me out to dinner.

Ishara
02-01-2012, 08:29 AM
Oh, I'm so sorry Taer! Please give my love to Aly and Jake, and know we'll be thinking of you...

And it doesn't sound like such a crazy dream to me...

bowlwoman
02-01-2012, 08:32 AM
I am so sorry for your loss, Sei. Especially sorry it was today. My other grandpa died on my 16th birthday, so I know today is gonna suck for you. I hope you can find some comfort today.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

yks 6nnetu hing
02-01-2012, 08:32 AM
Just so you all know, Gary L. Frick died at 1:30am. Last night his wife insisted that Al and her sister go home and rest while she stayed with Gary. I think in his heart, he didn't want his daughters to be there when he died and that's why he held on as long as he did.

I had a crazy dream last night that he told me happy birthday and took me out to dinner.

my condolences! But I'm glad for all involved that there was a chance to say goodbye. Your dream sounds really nice :) what a way to remember the guy :)

Weird, my grandfather was buried on my 12th b-day.

Khoram
02-01-2012, 08:39 AM
May he rest in peace. His struggle is ended, and you, your wife and Jake got to say goodbye. That's all that matters.

Strength to you guys. :)

Gilshalos Sedai
02-01-2012, 10:21 AM
That's the idea! In my family, grandsons and nephews are pallbearers. If theres not enough, we pick good friends. I think we can list him as an honorary pallbearer and it'll work out just fine.

Just so you all know, Gary L. Frick died at 1:30am. Last night his wife insisted that Al and her sister go home and rest while she stayed with Gary. I think in his heart, he didn't want his daughters to be there when he died and that's why he held on as long as he did.

I had a crazy dream last night that he told me happy birthday and took me out to dinner.

*hugs*

Sorry I came late to this thread, but you and your family have our condolences. How's Jake taking it?

SauceyBlueConfetti
02-01-2012, 10:27 AM
So sorry for your loss. I saw a picture recently, someone here I think posted it, along the lines of "when I say I am ok, I need you to hug me and tell me you don't believe me". Give your wife hugs as much as you can at random moments.

Ivhon
02-01-2012, 11:04 AM
My thoughts are with you and your family, bossman.

*virtual hugs*

Isabel
02-01-2012, 11:25 AM
I am sorry for your loss. If you need someone to talk to, let me know.

*hug*

Davian93
02-01-2012, 11:31 AM
Weird, my grandfather was buried on my 12th b-day.


My paternal grandfather died on my 17th birthday...it just got weirder.

Khoram
02-01-2012, 11:47 AM
My paternal grandfather died on my 17th birthday...it just got weirder.

That IS weird... You were 17!? :eek:

Crispin's Crispian
02-01-2012, 12:26 PM
I'm sorry, ST, but I'm glad he's at peace now.

And I'm with Ishara--that dream doesn't sound crazy at all. :)

Take care of yourselves, man.

Figbiscuit
02-01-2012, 12:38 PM
Sending you hugs from across the pond, no matter what the circumstances it's never easy to lose someone you love.

From what I know of you I think you will know how to handle your son's grief and confusion, and I think the comment about hugging your wife often is excellent advice.

Stay strong dude x

Sei'taer
02-01-2012, 06:05 PM
Sending you hugs from across the pond, no matter what the circumstances it's never easy to lose someone you love.

From what I know of you I think you will know how to handle your son's grief and confusion, and I think the comment about hugging your wife often is excellent advice.

Stay strong dude x

Well, I was wrong about the hardest thing ever. Tonight was worse.

bowlwoman
02-01-2012, 06:29 PM
Well, I was wrong about the hardest thing ever. Tonight was worse.

:(

tworiverswoman
02-01-2012, 07:39 PM
The wisest words in the world are, "this too shall pass."

I'm sorry this happened when Jake was so young. He has no good way to come to grips with it, nothing comparable in his life to help him understand. He'll heal, but it's going to hurt for a while. There's no easy way to plod through this - it's just going to be a day-by-day thing for the duration.

Your whole family has my sincere condolences, even the sister-in-law.

Cor Shan
02-02-2012, 12:05 AM
My condolences Sei.

yks 6nnetu hing
02-02-2012, 01:42 AM
Well, I was wrong about the hardest thing ever. Tonight was worse.

*hugs*

ShadowbaneX
02-02-2012, 08:46 AM
My sincerest condolences to your and your family, ST.

DaiShan1981
02-02-2012, 09:20 AM
:(
Lots of strength wished for dealing with the emotional and practical aspects of all that...

Yellowbeard
02-02-2012, 11:45 AM
I'm sorry for your family's loss.

And seeing how much it your son is hurting over this has got to be the worst part for you personally. The feeling of helplessness as there's nothing you can do to take away the pain.

Just comfort him as best you can. It will take time. Sometimes "time" can be just as nasty a 4 letter word as any of the other 4 letter words.

And remember to occasionally take the time to do something nice for yourself too.

Gilshalos Sedai
02-02-2012, 12:18 PM
I'm so sorry, Sei. I honestly have no other words in this instance.

Brita
02-02-2012, 09:17 PM
Just so you all know, Gary L. Frick died at 1:30am. Last night his wife insisted that Al and her sister go home and rest while she stayed with Gary. I think in his heart, he didn't want his daughters to be there when he died and that's why he held on as long as he did.


Oh Sei! I just came back from vacation- I am sorry for coming in so late. My deep condolences to your whole family, and especially to little Jake.

About him waiting until his girls left, my experience leads me to believe this to be true. I have seen this last act of caring several times myself.

Big hugs Sei- I wish I could offer them in person.

Frenzy
02-02-2012, 10:31 PM
~hugs~