PDA

View Full Version : How bout a new joke thread?


pops taer
02-15-2012, 10:14 PM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, “Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?”



Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

-------------------------------------------


When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”



Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”


--------------------------------------


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”



The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”


-----------------------



A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.. They heard a faint moan.



They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”




-------------------------------


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home.. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”



I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”



She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”



I said, “Well, why are you crying?”



She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”



I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”



She said, “I can't remember where I live!”




-------------------------


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time... But I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”



Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”




---------------------------

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

----------------

The Unreasoner
02-15-2012, 11:59 PM
Is there something wrong with your old joke thread?

GonzoTheGreat
02-16-2012, 04:55 AM
Is there something wrong with your old joke thread?
It was getting old.

DaiShan1981
02-16-2012, 07:58 AM
Gotta stay in character and do some musician's jokes, even though some are quite lame...

Q How do you check if the stage is level?
A The drummer will be drooling from both corners of his mouth at the same time.

Q How do you get a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
A Shine a flashlight into one of her ears.

Q What's the difference between a singer and a terrorist?
A You can negoatiate with a terrorist.

Q How does a lead singer change a light bulb?
A By holding it up into the air and waiting for the world to revolve around her.

A bass player went to a gig and was late, he parked the car, slammed the door closed and ran to the entrance of the venue, then realized he had locked the car with his keys still inside. Took him three hours to get the drummer out of the car.

A pianist explains to the band "Ok today we're going to do the intro of this song in 7/8, starting in C#, then about half-way in we switch to 3/4 and modulate up to D#, then do a rubato near the end and finish in minor before we go to the hook in a quick 4/4 swing".
The lead singer says "I'm sorry, I don't think I can quite follow that."
Replies the pianist "Just do it exactly the way you did it yesterday."

yks 6nnetu hing
02-16-2012, 08:57 AM
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand


What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.


Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles



What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.


St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Tomp
02-16-2012, 10:32 AM
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,

than a frontal lobotomi.

Tomp
02-16-2012, 12:58 PM
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind man. 'Just looking

DaiShan1981
02-16-2012, 01:58 PM
A man comes into the doctor's office, says the doctor "Eewwww you pervert! Clean that up and get out!"

The Unreasoner
02-16-2012, 02:58 PM
It was getting old.
Tried to rep this, for the record.

@DaiShan
Do you know a great deal about music? Would you mind taking a look at a little problem of mine?

DaiShan1981
02-16-2012, 03:57 PM
Don't know if I can help, but PM me. There are some others here too who are pretty knowledgable in areas of music that I know very little about.

Weird Harold
02-16-2012, 04:30 PM
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this our sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
It's label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!!

The Unreasoner
02-16-2012, 04:31 PM
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this our sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
It's label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!!
Didn't you post that same joke in the old thread?

And @DaiShan
Thanks. will do

Weird Harold
02-16-2012, 04:54 PM
Didn't you post that same joke in the old thread?

And @DaiShan
Thanks. will do
Possibly. The place I steal jokes from is a joke thread that is over four years old and runs to 7,600+ posts. remembering what jokes have been posted before isn't worth bothering about.

Obligatory Joke:

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Tomp
02-17-2012, 05:19 PM
I've got two jokes presented here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yak0cGWKfKU)

Weird Harold
02-18-2012, 10:56 PM
I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.

"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.

"None," said the patient.

Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn’t so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"

GonzoTheGreat
02-20-2012, 08:40 AM
The value of science (http://mightierthanthepen.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/depression-underreported-among-murder-victims/).

Zombie Sammael
02-20-2012, 09:24 AM
The value of science (http://mightierthanthepen.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/depression-underreported-among-murder-victims/).

Wow. That's not funny at all. :mad:

GonzoTheGreat
02-20-2012, 09:49 AM
Wow. That's not funny at all. :mad:
Do you disapprove of psychology?

Zombie Sammael
02-20-2012, 09:55 AM
Do you disapprove of psychology?

I disapprove of anything that trivialises (a) depression, which is a serious medical condition (as I can vouch, being a sufferer) or (b) murder (admittedly I have never suffered from this, but I understand it is widely held to be unpleasant).

DaiShan1981
02-20-2012, 10:30 AM
It's kind of a weird mix of truth and sarcasm, but here goes;

GOLDEN RULES FOR ENSEMBLE PLAYING

1. Everyone should play the same piece.

2. Stop at every repeat sign and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love this.

3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.

4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.

5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.

6. Take your time turning pages.

7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice-versa).

8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost (some people actually never learn this).

9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.

10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.

11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end..

12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say "I think we should tune".

13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.

14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.

15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.

16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left.

17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.

DaiShan1981
02-20-2012, 10:33 AM
Kudos to any non-musicians who get this;
http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418987_10151231630195557_818565556_23018888_155121 2361_n.jpg

I stared at it for half a minute before figuring it out.

Tomp
02-20-2012, 10:40 AM
Kudos to any non-musicians who get this;
http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418987_10151231630195557_818565556_23018888_155121 2361_n.jpg

I stared at it for half a minute before figuring it out.

Ah, that was really funny.

Absolutely hilarious. :D

WTF :confused:

Cor Shan
02-20-2012, 12:48 PM
Just because this is the internet, Ill assume its a rickroll, but I'm probably wrong

DaiShan1981
02-20-2012, 01:11 PM
I had to google rickrolling, lol
That's not it though :)

confused at birth
02-20-2012, 02:36 PM
its either a playground or boot camp:confused::D:confused:

DaiShan1981
02-21-2012, 04:42 AM
I hate to be elitist about it, but it's actually quite good if you do get it :p
Waiting for Terez or Abbeyroad or Crispin or MS or some other musician to notice before giving it away though.

Sarevok
02-21-2012, 04:55 AM
I hate to be elitist about it, but it's actually quite good if you do get it :p
Waiting for Terez or Abbeyroad or Crispin or MS or some other musician to notice before giving it away though.

I know the clue, because I looked at the comments when this image appeared on failblog.org. But I still don't really know why this is so funny... :(

Dajoran
02-21-2012, 05:16 AM
It took me a couple of minutes to play it out in my head... but very good.

A shocking noise is what it is.

DaiShan1981
02-21-2012, 11:45 AM
Sarevok, you must never have had that happen at a concert then...

Sarevok
02-21-2012, 11:49 AM
Sarevok, you must never have had that happen at a concert then...

Oh... completely misinterpreted the explanation when I read it on failblog the first time, then... :eek:

And no, it hasn't. :cool:

Crispin's Crispian
02-21-2012, 12:19 PM
Oh... completely misinterpreted the explanation when I read it on failblog the first time, then... :eek:

And no, it hasn't. :cool:

I'm absolutely flattered that Dai thinks I'm a musician. LOL. However, I believe I was able to sing the red part and figure out the joke.

You have to be kind of old, though, because...I haven't heard that particular tune in a while. ;)

Tomp
02-21-2012, 01:03 PM
Kudos to any non-musicians who get this;
http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/418987_10151231630195557_818565556_23018888_155121 2361_n.jpg

I stared at it for half a minute before figuring it out.

I googled it and found the answer.

The funny thing is that I tweeted about this on the 8th of february. :D

DaiShan1981
02-21-2012, 03:15 PM
I'm absolutely flattered that Dai thinks I'm a musician. LOL. However, I believe I was able to sing the red part and figure out the joke.

You have to be kind of old, though, because...I haven't heard that particular tune in a while. ;)

Hey, you (used to?) play the sax, right? I figured you'd be able to piece the tune together ;)
Also, shockingly the iPhone wasn't introduced till 2007, and I would say that "that other manufacturer" dominated the market at least until then, and for a decent while after. I tend to forget too, but it really hasn't been that long that we've had iOS and Android...

Weird Harold
02-21-2012, 05:18 PM
THE IRISH WEDDING...



At the wedding reception someone yelled...

"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

The Unreasoner
02-28-2012, 05:09 AM
So, as WH has pointed out, new thread means old jokes can live again.

So I'll post a few I already have, and a new one:

http://theoryland.com/vbulletin/picture.php?albumid=8&pictureid=20

http://theoryland.com/vbulletin/picture.php?albumid=8&pictureid=23

http://theoryland.com/vbulletin/picture.php?albumid=8&pictureid=22

http://theoryland.com/vbulletin/picture.php?albumid=8&pictureid=21

And, a private joke from an old sig:
http://theoryland.com/vbulletin/picture.php?albumid=8&pictureid=26

And lastly, something that is hilarious with its complete and all-out personal attack from a 'friend' (with a shout out to TL):
http://theoryland.com/vbulletin/picture.php?albumid=8&pictureid=108

Zombie Sammael
02-28-2012, 05:25 AM
And lastly, something that is hilarious with its complete and all-out personal attack from a 'friend' (with a shout out to TL):
http://theoryland.com/vbulletin/picture.php?albumid=8&pictureid=108

My thoughts: (1) I want to see the unredacted version of that. :D

(2) I really hope no-one ever finds a way to use "Zombie Sammael" against me.

The Unreasoner
02-28-2012, 05:55 AM
My thoughts: (1) I want to see the unredacted version of that. :D

(2) I really hope no-one ever finds a way to use "Zombie Sammael" against me.
I was originally only going to only block out proper nouns and two other things, but there was one pretty personal thing...then it occurred to me that it would be funnier this way.

as for (2)...
The people that went after me would crucify you. Suffice it to say, you will never be allowed to be PM.

Zombie Sammael
02-28-2012, 06:00 AM
I was originally only going to only block out proper nouns and two other things, but there was one pretty personal thing...then it occurred to me that it would be funnier this way.

as for (2)...
The people that went after me would crucify you. Suffice it to say, you will never be allowed to be PM.

I dunno. Have you seen some of the PMs we've had lately? A zombie could do a better job. *is using a different meaning of the abbreviation "PM"*

The Unreasoner
02-28-2012, 06:06 AM
*is using a different meaning of the abbreviation "PM"*
As this is a joke thread...perhaps you could elaborate?

Zombie Sammael
02-28-2012, 06:08 AM
As this is a joke thread...perhaps you could elaborate?

A hilarious joke. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prime_Minister_of_the_United_Kingdom)

The Unreasoner
02-28-2012, 06:21 AM
Perhaps the funniest part of that 'joke' is the fact that I actually read half that and checked the edit history, because I thought you put something in there about the undead.

Zombie Sammael
02-28-2012, 06:30 AM
Perhaps the funniest part of that 'joke' is the fact that I actually read half that and checked the edit history, because I thought you put something in there about the undead.

And I thought Gonzo was a muppet.

ETA: I tried to rep you for that, but apparently I need to spread it around like a greenstocking first. Therefore, have some Youngling Rep.

Ishara
02-28-2012, 09:06 AM
So, what part of the last 7 messages could not have been conducted over PM?

Zombie Sammael
02-28-2012, 09:18 AM
So, what part of the last 7 messages could not have been conducted over PM?

Are you now seriously expecting us to conduct all conversations which are of no particular privacy but which are essentially a dialogue between two people to be conducted over PM? Because if that's the case, it's going to get very quiet around here, and I'm not just talking about myself and The Unreasoner. It's not even as if the discussion was off-topic - this is a joke thread* and we were making jokes. I use PMs if I feel a particular need for privacy, not just because I'm talking to someone.

*although admittedly less well-policed for non-jokes than the old thread, but whether that's good or bad is a separate conversation.

yks 6nnetu hing
02-28-2012, 09:27 AM
and we were making jokes.

overall I agree with Zombie, but this part is simply incorrect.

Zombie Sammael
02-28-2012, 09:29 AM
overall I agree with Zombie, but this part is simply incorrect.

I can confidently say that every single post I made in the seven under discussion contained some element of humour or joculation.

The Unreasoner
02-28-2012, 09:36 AM
I certainly chuckled at least twice. But not as hard as I laughed at Ishara's post in my other thread. She disapproves of me as a general rule of thumb..I don't need reminders. I had already understood I screwed up from yks's reply.

Honestly though...at least I thought I deserved Terez's ire...to a point.

Really...banning me would be more subtle.

yks 6nnetu hing
02-28-2012, 09:37 AM
I can confidently say that every single post I made in the seven under discussion contained some element of humour or joculation.

my my, you've taken lessons from Res in presenting opinions as facts. Good job!




Edit: now THAT was a zinger

Zombie Sammael
02-28-2012, 09:41 AM
my my, you've taken lessons from Res in presenting opinions as facts. Good job!

Res has always wanted me to start listening to his opinions on the way things ought to be done. Apparently I wasn't the only student in class, though.

Being as serious as I can be in a joke thread, I have at least tried to keep it light-hearted throughout apart from my one response to Ishara. I'd recommend moving the whole thing to a separate thread if it's widely felt that we're just not funny enough.

yks 6nnetu hing
02-28-2012, 09:50 AM
Res has always wanted me to start listening to his opinions on the way things ought to be done. Apparently I wasn't the only student in class, though.

Being as serious as I can be in a joke thread, I have at least tried to keep it light-hearted throughout apart from my one response to Ishara. I'd recommend moving the whole thing to a separate thread if it's widely felt that we're just not funny enough.

well... to be fair, I did *get* that the back-and-forward was supposed to be joke-y. The problem is though, the jokes were bad (and not in a good way where you snort in your coffee and blush at the same time for finding it funny. Because you shouldn't. Because it's BAD), they were just... a back-and-forth exchange of inside jokes.

me, I'm happy to have all sorts of things out in the open, and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you two your bromance, seeing as I've engaged in similar or worse in my past (ahem. would like to forget those tickle threads happened... but they did). it's just a bit toomuch if you expect others to participate and find your inside jokes funny. For that sort of thing, Facebook is an excellent medium. ETA: and then, when it's actually funny, Failbook :D

Ishara
02-28-2012, 11:23 AM
well... to be fair, I did *get* that the back-and-forward was supposed to be joke-y. The problem is though, the jokes were bad (and not in a good way where you snort in your coffee and blush at the same time for finding it funny. Because you shouldn't. Because it's BAD), they were just... a back-and-forth exchange of inside jokes.

me, I'm happy to have all sorts of things out in the open, and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you two your bromance, seeing as I've engaged in similar or worse in my past (ahem. would like to forget those tickle threads happened... but they did). it's just a bit toomuch if you expect others to participate and find your inside jokes funny. For that sort of thing, Facebook is an excellent medium. ETA: and then, when it's actually funny, Failbook :D

This.

It's not that I generally disapprove of you, btw, although that made me smile. But we have certain cultures in certain fora, and would prefer that we recognize that it's for a reason. ;)

GonzoTheGreat
02-28-2012, 11:34 AM
Bats not in the belfry (http://media.zie.nl/e/?v=m1fz53ff7auu).

Lupusdeusest
02-28-2012, 08:48 PM
I can confidently say that every single post I made in the seven under discussion contained some element of humour or joculation.

Are you Peter Garrett in disguise?
"Jocular" always makes me think of this excerpt from a satirical show in Australia: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J9iNSwV2T4

Weird Harold
02-29-2012, 09:00 PM
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."

Weird Harold
03-06-2012, 09:09 PM
Two cosmopolitan ladies were sitting on their loungers on a hot beach

One turns to the other and says, "My fantasy is having to men at the same time. . . ."

The other lady was speechless but nearly choked on her drink.

The speaker continued, "One cooking and the other cleaning. . ."

Tomp
03-07-2012, 06:47 AM
Dustin Hoffman likes to tell semi-dirty jokes.

Nr 1. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRdMAaocfhY)

Nr 2. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XWTVS_luNo)

Weird Harold
03-16-2012, 08:10 AM
MY LIVING WILL:

Last night, my kids stopped by and were sitting in the living room when I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my shit list ...