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tworiverswoman
08-22-2008, 05:43 PM
Americans With No Abilities Act

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S employer of Persons of Inability. (you're in the 26%, Pops... :) )

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middleman" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember "rightey tightey, lefty loosey." "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY): "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

Cary Sedai
08-22-2008, 05:49 PM
ROFL :D

(you were supposed to post this in my funny friday thread :p)

Davian93
08-22-2008, 05:56 PM
Wasn't this already passed at the end of the Cold War? That's right around when the sissification of society started.

The Immortal One
08-22-2008, 06:33 PM
Ummm... is this serious or are you joking?


With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

So, you can't promote somebody who knows how to do their job - you have to promote idiots too?!

Sei'taer
08-22-2008, 09:43 PM
So, you can't promote somebody who knows how to do their job - you have to promote idiots too?!


~Cough cough affirmative action cough cough~

Davian93
08-22-2008, 09:49 PM
~Cough cough affirmative action cough cough~


~Steps quickly away from 3rd Rail~

This should get interesting.

Verin Mathwin
08-22-2008, 11:54 PM
hehe.. I feel stupid. In my defense I was extremely tired when I read this so I wasn't really thinking properly

Davian93
08-23-2008, 12:05 AM
~gets up from ESC couch~

Ahem...kids? its a joke thread...

~sits back down~

Sei'taer
08-23-2008, 12:25 AM
~gets up from ESC couch~

Ahem...kids? its a joke thread...

~sits back down~


uh...D'oh ~shoots a "no shit" bird at Davian~:D

tworiverswoman
08-23-2008, 02:22 AM
I freely admit to being blown away....:eek:

HOW could someone take this as a serious thread? I have to admit it rather frightens me that some of you have THAT DIM A VIEW of our politicians....

~Reads what she just wrote. Shakes head. Bangs head against wall to shake out the visions...~

GonzoTheGreat
08-23-2008, 06:24 AM
HOW could someone take this as a serious thread?
Someone? Like an American with no abilities, for instance?
I have no idea, dear. No idea at all.

tworiverswoman
08-23-2008, 04:32 PM
The Immortal One is an Aussie.

Purple Dragon
08-23-2008, 10:22 PM
Don't confuse people by claiming that the US have that high a percentage of skilled, cabable people as part of the workforce...

tworiverswoman
08-23-2008, 10:42 PM
What, you think 50% is too high???




Not so sure you aren't right...

The Immortal One
08-25-2008, 08:43 AM
Well I did assume it was a joke - but then again every Australian knows that American politicians are stupid (not that Australian politicians are any better).

Realnow
08-25-2008, 11:49 AM
The people who though it was real are in that 76% of postal workers ^^

Davian93
08-25-2008, 12:32 PM
~reads above post~

~Looks around for Pops~

This ain't gonna be pretty.

Birgitte
08-25-2008, 05:10 PM
Think Pops'll go postal, Dav?

Purple Dragon
08-26-2008, 04:39 PM
What, you think 50% is too high???




Not so sure you aren't right...


I am Dragon... i am NOT American... i is ALWAYS right...

Cary Sedai
08-26-2008, 04:41 PM
:rolleyes:

tworiverswoman
08-27-2008, 01:11 AM
I am Dragon... i is ALWAYS right...http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g7/tworiverswoman/nosmile.gif http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g7/tworiverswoman/nyah002.gif


This one I'm adding just because I like the little guy... http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g7/tworiverswoman/thdance008.gif