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-   -   How bout a new joke thread? (http://www.theoryland.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=6553)

pops taer 02-15-2012 10:14 PM

How bout a new joke thread?
 
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, “Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?”



Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

-------------------------------------------


When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”



Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”


--------------------------------------


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.”



The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”


-----------------------



A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket.. They heard a faint moan.



They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”




-------------------------------


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home.. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”



I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”



She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”



I said, “Well, why are you crying?”



She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”



I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”



She said, “I can't remember where I live!”




-------------------------


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time... But I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”



Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”




---------------------------

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

----------------

The Unreasoner 02-15-2012 11:59 PM

Is there something wrong with your old joke thread?

GonzoTheGreat 02-16-2012 04:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Unreasoner (Post 179937)
Is there something wrong with your old joke thread?

It was getting old.

DaiShan1981 02-16-2012 07:58 AM

Gotta stay in character and do some musician's jokes, even though some are quite lame...

Q How do you check if the stage is level?
A The drummer will be drooling from both corners of his mouth at the same time.

Q How do you get a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
A Shine a flashlight into one of her ears.

Q What's the difference between a singer and a terrorist?
A You can negoatiate with a terrorist.

Q How does a lead singer change a light bulb?
A By holding it up into the air and waiting for the world to revolve around her.

A bass player went to a gig and was late, he parked the car, slammed the door closed and ran to the entrance of the venue, then realized he had locked the car with his keys still inside. Took him three hours to get the drummer out of the car.

A pianist explains to the band "Ok today we're going to do the intro of this song in 7/8, starting in C#, then about half-way in we switch to 3/4 and modulate up to D#, then do a rubato near the end and finish in minor before we go to the hook in a quick 4/4 swing".
The lead singer says "I'm sorry, I don't think I can quite follow that."
Replies the pianist "Just do it exactly the way you did it yesterday."

yks 6nnetu hing 02-16-2012 08:57 AM

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand


What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.


Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles



What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.


St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Tomp 02-16-2012 10:32 AM

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,

than a frontal lobotomi.

Tomp 02-16-2012 12:58 PM

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind man. 'Just looking

DaiShan1981 02-16-2012 01:58 PM

A man comes into the doctor's office, says the doctor "Eewwww you pervert! Clean that up and get out!"

The Unreasoner 02-16-2012 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GonzoTheGreat (Post 179949)
It was getting old.

Tried to rep this, for the record.

@DaiShan
Do you know a great deal about music? Would you mind taking a look at a little problem of mine?

DaiShan1981 02-16-2012 03:57 PM

Don't know if I can help, but PM me. There are some others here too who are pretty knowledgable in areas of music that I know very little about.

Weird Harold 02-16-2012 04:30 PM

The old thread was getting a bit long.
 
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this our sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
It's label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!!

The Unreasoner 02-16-2012 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Weird Harold (Post 180062)
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this our sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
It's label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!!

Didn't you post that same joke in the old thread?

And @DaiShan
Thanks. will do

Weird Harold 02-16-2012 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Unreasoner (Post 180063)
Didn't you post that same joke in the old thread?

And @DaiShan
Thanks. will do

Possibly. The place I steal jokes from is a joke thread that is over four years old and runs to 7,600+ posts. remembering what jokes have been posted before isn't worth bothering about.

Obligatory Joke:

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Tomp 02-17-2012 05:19 PM

I've got two jokes presented here

Weird Harold 02-18-2012 10:56 PM

I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.

"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.

"None," said the patient.

Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn’t so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"

GonzoTheGreat 02-20-2012 08:40 AM

The value of science.

Zombie Sammael 02-20-2012 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GonzoTheGreat (Post 180502)

Wow. That's not funny at all. :mad:

GonzoTheGreat 02-20-2012 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zombie Sammael (Post 180505)
Wow. That's not funny at all. :mad:

Do you disapprove of psychology?

Zombie Sammael 02-20-2012 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GonzoTheGreat (Post 180506)
Do you disapprove of psychology?

I disapprove of anything that trivialises (a) depression, which is a serious medical condition (as I can vouch, being a sufferer) or (b) murder (admittedly I have never suffered from this, but I understand it is widely held to be unpleasant).

DaiShan1981 02-20-2012 10:30 AM

Some more musical fun
 
It's kind of a weird mix of truth and sarcasm, but here goes;

GOLDEN RULES FOR ENSEMBLE PLAYING

1. Everyone should play the same piece.

2. Stop at every repeat sign and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love this.

3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.

4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.

5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.

6. Take your time turning pages.

7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice-versa).

8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost (some people actually never learn this).

9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.

10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.

11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end..

12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say "I think we should tune".

13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.

14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested.

15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.

16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left.

17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.


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