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  #1  
Old 03-31-2010, 12:09 AM
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Default t/j Beer - Beer is what led to two political parties

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

And there you have it…Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.
------------------------------------------

Gawd, I hope nobody takes this seriously!! Had me laughing my a%% off. Feel free to respond with the best jokes at Conservative's collective expense as you can find.
  #2  
Old 03-31-2010, 01:14 AM
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anyone who believes the "absolute truth" of an e-mail glurge chain needs to go talk to the Nigerian Finance Minister.
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  #3  
Old 03-31-2010, 01:39 AM
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I just stopped reading the second I realized it was a chain letter. What does that make me?
  #4  
Old 03-31-2010, 02:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neilbert View Post
I just stopped reading the second I realized it was a chain letter. What does that make me?
Not a Real American, that's for sure.

I have asked my stepmom to stop sending me chain emails like three or four times. She sent me another one the other day, some crap about laminin. Thought about sending the snopes page to everyone in the chain (these people never BCC or erase previous strings) but then she posted it on Facebook as well, so I just put it there. Then she says, "Always a skeptic. God reveals himself daily to those who seek the truth." So I said, "I think truth reveals itself daily to those who seek the truth. God 'reveals himself' daily to those who want to live forever." Hopefully that will be the end of it.
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  #5  
Old 03-31-2010, 03:00 AM
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isn't revealing one's self to someone else a felony?
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  #6  
Old 03-31-2010, 03:07 AM
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The Church didn't get the memo.
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  #7  
Old 03-31-2010, 07:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terez View Post
The Church didn't get the memo.
We're back to the Catholic thing?

TL truly is cyclical.
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  #8  
Old 03-31-2010, 08:09 AM
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Fixed it for you:

-------------------

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were smarter, more efficient, and better at managing resources, so they learned to keep the tribe together by organizing the BBQs and preparing the beer. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into the people who make sure the conservatives do their jobs. They became known as managers. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the creation of the Internet, the first manned flight to the Moon, tax cuts, and the concept of a democractic republic to allow for a new form of government not seen in the world until that point.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by one of the largest and weak-minded, but admittedly strong and sturdy animals on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass because it's the only way to deal with conservatives.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer healthier wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but are smart enough to cook their food to a healthy level. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare, which shows that they are cultured and smart enough to have their food prepared properly. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher income levels than conservative men. Most educated professionals, lawyers, computer professionals, successful movie stars in Hollywood and astronauts are liberals. Liberals invented the concept of web forums so people can discuss whatever they want.

Conservatives can only afford domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and barely provide for their women, preferring to upgrade their trailers instead. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who doesn't bother to educate themselves about the subjects at hand. Conservatives who own companies hire liberals in order to break new ground and succeed where no one else has.

Liberals produce most of the things you take for granted. They open businesses to provide services such as therapy, computer products, and Twinkies. They're smart enough to allow the lazier, less responsible workers to produce the project and instead expend much effort to decide how best to benefit society. Liberals believe fish are more enlightened than conservatives. That is why most of the liberals remained in the east coast when conservatives moved west to chop down trees and live in wood huts. Liberals came in after the West was tamed and began to make a civilization out of the hodgepodge of outhouses and dead whores in the Wild West.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Conservative may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Liberal will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more conservatives just to piss them off.

And there you have it…Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to save my liver and have another bottle of imported water.
------------------------------------------
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  #9  
Old 03-31-2010, 08:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Davian93 View Post
We're back to the Catholic thing?

TL truly is cyclical.
Only because of thread-crossing artistes such as myself.
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  #10  
Old 03-31-2010, 08:53 AM
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FWIW, I tried to Rep you for that Camel...absolutely brilliant. Apparently I must spread it around first though.
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  #11  
Old 03-31-2010, 09:13 AM
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I am generally quite tired and bored with US-centric political threads. This one was made worthwhile, however, by Camel's witty retort.

Well done sir, well done.
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  #12  
Old 03-31-2010, 09:31 AM
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Liberal or Conservative, the wheel and beer ARE the most important inventions in history. Period.
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  #13  
Old 03-31-2010, 10:07 AM
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I laughed at both One is more correct than the other though
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  #14  
Old 03-31-2010, 12:18 PM
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4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad. 4 beers good, 2 beers bad.
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  #15  
Old 03-31-2010, 04:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frenzy View Post
4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good. 4 beers good, 2 beers good.
find this to be closer to the truth
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  #16  
Old 03-31-2010, 10:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brita View Post
I am generally quite tired and bored with US-centric political threads.
Gosh, me too. I've been skipping entire threads lately, cause I just don't care. Le sigh.
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  #17  
Old 03-31-2010, 10:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ishara View Post
Gosh, me too. I've been skipping entire threads lately, cause I just don't care. Le sigh.
No wonder I didn't get a lot of rep for my awesome jokes
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  #18  
Old 03-31-2010, 10:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JSUCamel View Post
No wonder I didn't get a lot of rep for my awesome jokes
Sorry pal. I will fully admit to skipping both "stories." LOL
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