View Full Version : Shayol Ghul Gazette - Black Friday Edition

06-13-2008, 08:44 AM
Musings at Thakandar

by Ferid Hel – Roving Guest Reporter

This so-called “Spelling Bee” is a bore. Sitting next to Spidy is a bore. Not being paid by Uno for the time we are spending up here is a bore. Drinking Spidy’s beer is not a bore but you can only stomach so much boredom. Perhaps that is what drove Meirin to drill the real “Bore”, she was just bored.

So what’s with all the ‘Boreness”, you may ask? I know you asked because when you read the word "boreness", you asked yourself “What is boreness?” um, this is too hard to explain, read Spidy’s piece on the Spelling Bee and questions and you will get the gist of what I mean.

Back to “boreness”, no capital B, because I refer to not the “Bore” but just the general “bore” I am feeling. You know, you can actually feel the "Bore" up here, everyone should come up and feel it for themselves, a very weird sensation.

Anyways, waiting for a Dark Minion to work out the correct spelling of so-called Aes Sedai is a tough ask. Spidy went to sleep it was that painful, half a beer in his hand. WOW!! Eight Trollocs, four Myddraal, two Drakghar, some undetectable number of Graypersons, (one sounded like a female, so perhaps Gray Men is actually not correct) all had a go at spelling Aes Seadi and all got it wrong.

We are up to a Seanchan Friend O’ the Dark (there you go Spidy, just for you that O’) but we can’t understand the drawl and I think our Seanchan friend is going to get the boot very soon for incoherent babble. We may be here for a very long time, the LB may come and go before we get off this damn mountain.

So what did I do to while the time away you may ask? You did ask that question of yourself, for the same reasons spelt out above, hee hee!! Well, I borrowed a slice of fancloth that Dragon Theif in his absentsia left behind and linked my way down to Theoryland for a quick lurk to see what was happening.

Here are the results of the lurking, in Snippet form for the nostalgic:

Terez rails at algebra, says any Maths Bees will be balefired!

“Pass the Dutchies pon the left hand side” get dodgy offside call, beat the Spaghetti-Eaters by 3 to zip! Sarevok, verdy, verdy, happy, yes!

Unicorn sighted at Pizza Hut says “The StrongMan” ( Strongman should never be by itself, Strongman/Strongmen should always be prefaced by “The” as they are “The”, Ed)

“G for G” looking for novel tips, TL faithful weigh in. "G for G" yet to pay for any of the advice, percentage of royalties mooted.

Some dude whose moniker I have no chance in pronouncing officially, ( ic something or rather) will now be solely known as “The Spammer”. (Four posts with one word, I say, wouldn’t have happened in my day, Ed)

Camel-San has finger bitten off by rabid Frenzy just for mentioning giving a women the finger.

Plain old "Dragon" spotted at TL. Sprucing up recommended.

OOPS It’s not often we do this, not often at all, however the Gazette has been researching the Archives (Volume 1, Edition 6 it seems) and it appears that an apology of sorts, a retraction of some degree, is warranted for the premature bestowment of a “Nynaeve Award” for the Galina is a Lesbian theory. It appears that there may be some accuracy and the Gazette is never afraid to say it was wrong, it just hasn’t happened before that we can remember. So, here you are Sinistrum, we sincerely retract the award and take our hats off to a spot-on Theory, not recognized for its worth at the time. :D

On the subject of awards, now we are one “Nynaeve Award” down, do we have any takes from the latest batch of theories floating around? Drop the Gazette a line at catchatori@hotmal.com and we will pass it through to the panel to see what we can do. :D

06-13-2008, 09:18 AM

06-13-2008, 02:12 PM
Plain old "Dragon" spotted at TL. Sprucing up recommended.

Don't bother.

What exactly are the qualifications for a Nynaeve Award? :D

06-13-2008, 02:15 PM
For the Theory that is so strange, stupid or satirical that it makes you want to yank your hair out.

06-13-2008, 02:28 PM
Ahhh...I nominate Vardene's theory about Bonds and stuff (http://www.theoryland.com/theories.php?func=5&rec=134&theo=2591) then. I'm sure that there will be plenty of support for that one. :D Her Lanfear one (http://www.theoryland.com/theories.php?func=5&rec=126&theo=2549) is a close runner-up...

06-13-2008, 07:50 PM
I don't remember authorizing a week-long stay at Shayol Ghul. You expect an expense refund for this little pleasure trip, do you? The hotel prices up there are outrageous, and I'm sure you've once again made liberal use of room service. You were supposed to cover the mayoral election in Emond's Field, where you can sleep in a barn and eat healthy rustic food for a few coppers a week.

Also, I had to make use of everyone's paychecks for expenses necessary for the welfare of the Gazette.

06-13-2008, 08:02 PM
Um, then why are we up here then Uno? You must have ordered us otherwise we wouldn't be here. You must have forgot. Spidy asks whether you are losing your memory and need to spend a couple of weeks back on the Way of the Goat to freshen up.

Does that mean we can come back?


06-13-2008, 08:04 PM
Also, I had to make use of everyone's paychecks for expenses necessary for the welfare of the Gazette.
Tell him I'm hiding because I blew everyone's paychecks on beer and cigars. The truth comes out!

06-13-2008, 08:10 PM
Well, now that you're there, you might as well cover the rest of the Spelling Bee, although I'm pretty sure Narg's going to pull off a victory once again. Stay at your post, trusty reporters. Don't drink the water up there, though. Well, I don't suppose you've ever tried drinking water, so nevermind. Who did win that mayoral election again?

What was that? Backpay, you say? Sorry, connection is fading. Have to get back to you on that one.

06-13-2008, 08:11 PM
Who did win that mayoral election again? Wil al'Seen. He's very popular with the ladies. :D

06-14-2008, 01:12 AM
No, Bran al'Vere is not dead

by Elsie Grindwell - Intern to the Editor-in-Chief/keeper of his cigars

Emond's Field, 4 Adar, 1000 NE
That's right folks - he's not dead. Why ever then, you might ask, has there been a Mayoral election in Emond's field? In the absence of the Lord and Lady, and the bulk of the regional troops as well, things have been getting out of hand in the Two Rivers, especially in Emond's Field.

On the 22nd day of Amadaine, in the year 999 NE, the descendants of those who hid in the forest while Manetheren's finest paid her price in blood to keep out the forces of the Shadow, paid that price once more for their farms and huts. Meanwhile, the plots of Ishamael, Semirhage, and Graendal, along with other dark forces, including the Pattern, sent thousands of refugees from Tarabon, Arad Doman, and Almoth Plain crawling over the Mountains of Mist. Only a hardy few survived to wander into the villages cut off from the rest of the world by the Manetherendrelle and the Taren, but they brought their trades with them, and under the new Lord and Lady of the Two Rivers, the region flourished.

They brought not only their trades, but their dresses. Evil, scandalous dresses - the dresses of Tarabon and Domani are known all across Randland for their sheer indecency. Unsurprisingly, these dresses were very popular with the men of the Two Rivers. Abell Cauthon, a village council member, recounts the drama's first unfolding:

My wife Natti had a few of those Taraboner dresses made. At first, when she put one on, I wanted to close all the shutters so no one else saw her. You could see her...see her...anyway, after a while, I started to want to strut in front of the guys with her on my arm in that dress. The Light burn my soul to ash! So this past Winternight, we went up to the Winespring to have a few drinks and a dance or two, and Natti wasn't the only lady dressed to kill, but mother's milk in a cup, she was the hottest! When I took off her fur cloak, every man in the room had to check her out. It was pretty warm in the common room, but when I took off her cloak, the air made her...made her...anyway, we had a grand time that night, and I danced more than I'd danced in years. But that old bag of bones Cenn Buie was heavy in his cups that night, and while I was getting another brandy for myself, and a cup of wine for Natti, I heard a scream from the dance floor, and I knew it was Natti, so I turned around, and what is that old coot doing but getting a handful of my wife? Before I knew it, I had grabbed a quarterstaff from the bin by the bar, and Cenn was flying across the room, landing to make a pool of blood on the floor. I didn't kill him...just knocked the wind out of him, and he broke his face a little when he hit the floor, and it was no less than he deserved. Anyway, the next day is when the Wisdom laid down the law.
Here's Natti Cauthon in the Taraboner dress she wore at the time of the incident:

Marie Curie, 1000 NE

According to a witness that wishes to remain anonymous, Cenn Buie, along with Wit Congar - who had been involved in a similar incident with a young niece of Jon Thane, another village council member, out on the green - went to the Wisdom and demanded she do something about those evil dresses. The Thane girl wore a revealing Domani dress, but her brothers left old Wit in a sorry state. Here's young Ella Thane in her dress:

Marie Curie, 1000 NE

The Wisdom tells the tale:

Wit and Cenn didn't have to convince me of anything. I knew those dresses were going to be nothing but trouble when Therille Mazra started making her Domani hussy dresses for the Lady Faile, but Faile would hear none of it, and she even sent down to Deven Ride to have some Taraboner dresses made before she took off with Lord Perrin. When it came to its ugly head this past Winternight, she wasn't here to deal with it, so I only did what had to be done. Our young women shouldn't be going around dressing like that, or how can they complain when a man gets in his cups and decides to get a handful? You tell me. Men are naturally weak when women start showing off their wares, what they should keep hidden till they're properly married, and then, only show to their husbands. In the dark.
Some ladies of the women's circle, in traditional Two Rivers garb, with their hair properly braided (Daise Congar points at the sign):

Marie Curie, 1000 NE

After the ban of the dresses, the pressure began to mount on Mayor al'Vere from Cauthon and Thane to do something. Most of the Women's Circle supported the Wisdom's ban, but Natti Cauthon and a few friends are reported to have been in several shouting matches with the Wisdom over the issue, insisting that the men be held accountable for their wandering paws, rather than the ladies who wore the dresses. Despite urgings from his wife, Bran al'Vere was reluctant to face down the Wisdom. Mistress al'Vere decided that they would do fine as innkeepers, and that Emond's Field needed a new mayor.

We needed someone who would agree to be mayor with a condition - that he work as hard as possible to convince the ladies to lift the ban on the dresses. We can't be having discontent within the Women's Circle, so we needed someone who had a way with the ladies. Wil's name was brought up, but no one wanted to wait until Lord Perrin was finished with his business to settle this matter - why didn't we think of it before that black coat came to get Tam and all those men? We thought of it the day after - and there were no ladies' men in the Two Rivers who could really compare to Wil. But no sooner had Wil's name come up than some boys that had run off with that Mazrim Taim showed up to visit, and they said one of them could tell by looking at the spot where that black coat had made his hole in the air where they had gone. So they brought young Wil, and Bran did the right thing and stepped down, and Wil won our vote by a fair margin - his experience in the field with Lord Perrin as a bannerman sure didn't hurt his case. He really has a way with the ladies. He started working that magic of his with them, and before too long, all the pretty ladies were wearing those hot dresses again, and old coots like Wit and Cenn knew better than to go grabbing at stuff. Cenn lost a few teeth and broke his nose, and Wit has a few broken ribs and a limp now. Serves them right.
Here's Wil al'Seen, the ladies' man:

Fairy Cary, 1000 NE

So there you have it, folks. Bran isn't dead, and sexual tension is high in the Two Rivers. Some think Lord Perrin will try to re-instate Bran al'Vere when he returns, but Master al'Vere says he's not interested:

Being the mayor was getting to be a little too hectic with all this expansion going on in the Two Rivers. I'm really happy right where I am, keeping the Winespring. And Emond's Field is too big now to have the Village Council meeting in this inn anyway - Wil's having a Council Hall built not far from Lord Perrin's manor, a bit closer to the village. Wil's a good lad, and he can't cause too much trouble with Lord Perrin to keep him in line. I'm especially glad to have those Light-forsaken women out of my hair. And Marin has a nice new Domani dress! Oh ho!
More from the Two Rivers later - they're planning to throw a ball when the Lord and Lady return!

06-14-2008, 04:31 AM
Two Rivers Exclusive

by Terez - the Antijournalist

Well, when you need someone to chase down a story, you don't send someone who's too plump for running. But every proper paper needs a gossip column, and photos of sexy people. That's what Elsie's good for. That and doing what interns do, like handling the cigars. Our editor-in-chief likes Two Rivers tabac. :rolleyes:

One of Elsie's crew, a Darkfriend who wishes to stay anonymous, tells what is really going on in Emond's Field:

Those hicks in the Two Rivers are clueless. Wil is one of ours, and has been since Lord Perrin pissed him off over some deal with the Lady Faile. He's been keeping tabs on Aybara for us, but now we have several other agents in place who can do that just as well. We also have one agent in the Village Council, and though Cenn Buie once seemed like the person for the job on Bran, he shortly proved to be utterly unclever enough to be worth anything, and most of the Two Rivers has progressed a bit past bestiality now, unfortunately. But our agent offered Wil's name on orders, and other agents among the menfolk told of Wil's way with the ladies and his battle experience. If Tam al'Thor had been there for the election, he might have had the sense to put a stop to it, but that Cauthon dunce was ripe for the picking, and once he came over to Wil, so did Thane, Luhhan, and all the rest. All the men are on testosterone overload now, with the women going around in those dresses. There have been more fights. Wil has his eye on Natti Cauthon. Can't blame him for that - I'd do her. Bran disappeared in the night, taking all of the gold, and leaving the Winespring with Marin and his girls. People who were killed by Trollocs and Whitecloaks have been seen walking all over the place. The Aybaras have been appearing frequently at Luhhan's. It will be chaos before Lord Perrin returns.
So there's the real deal, folks. Walk in the Light.